Yes, you read it right. Although such a request is seldom
made, receiving permission to make a mistake is essential and constructive. The
world of today doesn’t always love, accept or admire us if we aren’t highly
skilled overachievers. Examples of such cultural trajectories are academic
grading scales, school talent shows, college acceptance qualifications,
promotion requirements and long lists of conditions for marriage candidacy.
Even family members and friends find themselves counting and comparing the
number of trophies each has displayed on their shelves or the kitchen fridge. We
interpret that we need to be great to be loved through both verbal and
non-verbal communication. How many of us heard as children that our high grades
in math or comprehension would earn us a trip to Disneyland or our favorite
restaurant? Or did we receive a bonus in our allowance after learning a new
skill?
The importance of unconditional love seems to be fading from
our culture. But once we realize it is okay to fail occasionally, much of our
anxiety and stress will be cut from its roots. We will no longer set perfectionist
standards high enough to elicit stress over our potential failure. Further, we
are often deprived of love and attention due to our weaknesses and limitations.
We can become more secure and confident if the love we receive no longer
depends on our accomplishments. Knowing that making mistakes is acceptable
drives us to compete less and blossom as individuals. Space is created for our
unique characteristics to flourish. We are free to explore our interests
without living up to unrealistic standards of success and the expected
achievements set by cultural norms.
Not only do we personally need to receive grace for our
mistakes, but so do the others in our lives: our children, spouse and friends.
They will benefit similarly from the discussion above. Those around us are also
caught in the cultural demands for perfection. Although
we have advanced in many areas of science, Mark Williams and Danny Penman
remind us in their book, Mindfulness[1], that according
to the World Health Organization, depression will impose the second biggest
health burden globally by 2020. They also note that anxiety in children and
young people are now at a point that would have been judged to be “clinical” in
the 1950s.
Try to remember the best teacher you ever had. Why was she
your favorite teacher? She likely accepted, loved, and admired you as opposed
to being the most knowledgeable and accomplished of all your teachers,
demonstrating our longing for these values over the pride of achievement. Being
perfect does not improve our mental health, but knowing that we can be accepted
and loved no matter what will change our lives forever. Do you find yourself
arguing over the points of this article? Do you wish to edit this article to
make it perfect? If you do, you are among many who have been affected by the
cultural trajectory. Through practice and time, we can let go and allow
ourselves small mistakes. The goal is not to build a success resume, but to
foster a healthy, happy and peaceful self.
Author Ashkan Amlashi
is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center.
[1] Mindfuless: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding
Peace in a Frantic World, by Mark Williams and Danny Penman
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