Being the parent of a teen can be a shocking
experience. A child can view a parent as “the mostest awesomest” person in the
world and quickly change into seeing them as a social liability the next moment.
When entering adolescence, teens undergo numerous changes that affect them and
the people around them.
For instance, teens will begin to cycle rapidly
through moods which may mean moments of joy that suddenly turn to anger. They
grow into exploring their identity which may mean they choose activities and
appearances that make parents uncomfortable. Teens will also begin to have
greater concern for what others think or say about them, which leads to greater
influence from peers. Also, teens begin to think abstractly and have capacity
for critical analysis which means they can begin to question things (most often
that ends up being the parent).
With all these changes parenting can be an
overwhelming and scary experience. Some parents may want to react by
controlling the situation (a.k.a the dictator parent) which invariably leads to
rebellion since teens are looking for increased independence. Other parents
allow ultimate freedom in an attempt to be “liked” by the teen (a.k.a. the
permissive/doormat parent). Unfortunately this results in a lack of
self-control and self-discipline. The better choice is being an active
parent which means giving freedom within limits. This fits with teens striving
for independence and autonomy while also helping you guide them towards responsibility,
self-esteem, and courage.
How about this question; can you control your
teen?
The unpopular but gripping truth is that you
can’t really make your teen do anything. Instead of demanding control,
it is far more effective to influence your teen. The pathway towards
influence is as follows:
- Use choices
instead of demands. Give teens freedom to choose within set limits. This
fosters a sense of independence and responsibility in a teen removing the
drive for them to rebel for power.
- Encourage
them and build on their strengths. This increases their self-confidence.
Also, it builds mutual respect between parent and teen. Value them by
stimulating independence (giving them responsibility over new tasks) and
increase their confidence by asking for their opinion (this shows that you
value what they have to say).
- Use consequences
instead of punishment. Some types of non-physical punishment may be
effective for younger children but in adolescence it usually leads to
further rebellion. Use the natural consequences of a teen’s behavior (a
consequence that occurs without parental action). You can also set up
logical consequences which may be strongly connected to the problem. For
example two of your teens are fighting to watch TV. Unless they stop fighting
they don’t get TV. It is their choice whether they want to watch TV
or continue fighting without it. Ultimately parents must also work with a
teen to solve problems together.
In a way, parents are not solely in the “problem
prevention” business. It is far more important to nurture new responsibility in
teens and be present to pick them up when they fall. How parents do this will
greatly affect their teen’s future. The best path lies in actively working with
and respecting our teens through limits, freedom, and influence.
References
Popkin, M. H. (1998). Active Parenting of Teens. Atlanta, GA: Active Parenting Publishers.
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