Living with Grief

Taking time for grief. In this demanding world, many of us don’t honor ourselves when the time has come to slow down, look inward, and perceive life beyond everyday details. Although a normal part of life, grief affects us in ways we aren’t always aware of, especially when unexpressed or unprocessed. One of our therapists at Intercommunity Counseling Center notes “In life, each of us go through seasons when difficult circumstances may become more of our normative experience for a time. During these times, it can be very helpful to have someone else, often a therapist, walk through the experience with you and assist you in gaining clarity and direction for what is most important to you.”

This therapist provided short-term therapy to 48-year-old Rebecca. Married with three children, three grandchildren and a mother with advanced dementia, Rebecca had little time to think about or deal with the death of her father. Her care for her mother was full-time, leaving her with about a 20-minute window per day to run errands. Being extremely conscientious, Rebecca wanted to honor her father by giving her mother the highest-quality, loving care.

“Rebecca came into Intercommunity Counseling Center and asked to work with a therapist in processing her grief over the loss of her father. Rebecca had realized that even though he passed away six months ago, she had been so busy with caring for her mother that she had not processed her grief which was now beginning to feel overwhelming.”

Typical symptoms of grief include low energy, burn-out, difficulty concentrating, difficulty accomplishing daily tasks, sadness and crying multiple times per day. Rebecca experienced all of these at the point she started therapy, but because of a lack of familial support, also felt deeply lonely and isolated. Her adult children were not helping her, and she received no assistance from her siblings with her mother. Still, her profound sense of commitment and love kept her going.

Our ICC counselor selected both cognitive and solution-focused therapies to combine psychological and behavioral treatments for a powerful, yet short-term course of therapy for Rebecca. The realization that perceptions and thoughts contribute to individuals’ emotions and behaviors is behind the cognitive model. This treatment was developed by Aaron Beck in the 1960s. Solution-focused therapy, created by Insoo Kim Berg and Steve de Shazer in the late 1970s, is based on discovering, then using methods that have worked for individuals in their pasts.

Through cognitive therapy, clients first identify distorted beliefs, then modify them, with the help of their counselors, who in turn, teach them to practice this process themselves. “We examined thoughts that kept her feeling trapped in her role as caregiver. For example: I am not honoring my parents if I ask others for help in their care. We also utilized exception finding to see how the black-and-white thinking was not always true nor beneficial.” Further, sharing her own experience of losing her father helped her recall what she appreciated and missed about him, as well as facing the weaker aspects of their relationship. Her self worth was restored when she started recognizing her own strengths.

Next, to devise active steps, our therapist and client partnered in the practice of solution-focused therapy. The model stresses what can be done now, and not the problems that necessitated the therapy. To achieve specific goals, build on the individual’s strengths, discover what has worked for her in the past, and determine how she can incorporate these actions in daily life. Our ICC therapist comments “In these times, it is important to remember your own strengths and actions you have previously used to help you achieve goals you’ve longed for.”

Specific tools of the treatment encompass a series of queries (paraphrased from the Solution-Focused Therapy website):

• Identifying client’s previous solutions to be applied to present challenges
• Finding similar occasions from the past when outcomes were positive
• Asking questions to focus on present or future actions leading to success
• Paying compliments to reinforce how client’s methods are working
• Encouraging client to do more of what has been effective
• Asking scaling questions (rating her own progress, etc., from 0 to 10)
• Asking coping questions to reinforce measures she has taken to persevere 

“As Rebecca began to feel more able to contribute and navigate within her environment, she recognized that previously, she had several sources of support which she utilized to bring in healthy life patterns.”

Within just two months of therapy, Rebecca amazingly accomplished several goals:

Recalled her background in faith and began attending church services

Gained support from others in her community with the side benefit of getting help with her mother

Spent more time with friends and loved ones

Shifted to self-care (instead of constantly caring for others). Components included:

• Time/space to grieve and rest
• Exercise
• Proper nutrition 

Rebecca’s time at ICC also served as an education. She was able to observe grief responses in her family members and then help them build healthy habits. When the support eventually became mutual, her feelings of isolation subsided. What a positive outgrowth of receiving therapy: client becomes benefactor!

Our ICC therapist remarks, “As a normal part of life experience, grief or loss is a familiar experience for all of us. At times, continuing to live our ‘normal’ daily life rhythm can be very challenging after the passing of a loved one. Therapy is a beneficial place to process your experience in a safe space.” Intercommunity Counseling Center is honored to provide that refuge for our clients.