Please Tell Me It's Okay To Make A Mistake

Yes, you read it right. Although such a request is seldom made, receiving permission to make a mistake is essential and constructive. The world of today doesn’t always love, accept or admire us if we aren’t highly skilled overachievers. Examples of such cultural trajectories are academic grading scales, school talent shows, college acceptance qualifications, promotion requirements and long lists of conditions for marriage candidacy. Even family members and friends find themselves counting and comparing the number of trophies each has displayed on their shelves or the kitchen fridge. We interpret that we need to be great to be loved through both verbal and non-verbal communication. How many of us heard as children that our high grades in math or comprehension would earn us a trip to Disneyland or our favorite restaurant? Or did we receive a bonus in our allowance after learning a new skill?

The importance of unconditional love seems to be fading from our culture. But once we realize it is okay to fail occasionally, much of our anxiety and stress will be cut from its roots. We will no longer set perfectionist standards high enough to elicit stress over our potential failure. Further, we are often deprived of love and attention due to our weaknesses and limitations. We can become more secure and confident if the love we receive no longer depends on our accomplishments. Knowing that making mistakes is acceptable drives us to compete less and blossom as individuals. Space is created for our unique characteristics to flourish. We are free to explore our interests without living up to unrealistic standards of success and the expected achievements set by cultural norms.

Not only do we personally need to receive grace for our mistakes, but so do the others in our lives: our children, spouse and friends. They will benefit similarly from the discussion above. Those around us are also caught in the cultural demands for perfection. Although we have advanced in many areas of science, Mark Williams and Danny Penman remind us in their book, Mindfulness[1], that according to the World Health Organization, depression will impose the second biggest health burden globally by 2020. They also note that anxiety in children and young people are now at a point that would have been judged to be “clinical” in the 1950s.

Try to remember the best teacher you ever had. Why was she your favorite teacher? She likely accepted, loved, and admired you as opposed to being the most knowledgeable and accomplished of all your teachers, demonstrating our longing for these values over the pride of achievement. Being perfect does not improve our mental health, but knowing that we can be accepted and loved no matter what will change our lives forever. Do you find yourself arguing over the points of this article? Do you wish to edit this article to make it perfect? If you do, you are among many who have been affected by the cultural trajectory. Through practice and time, we can let go and allow ourselves small mistakes. The goal is not to build a success resume, but to foster a healthy, happy and peaceful self.

Author Ashkan  Amlashi is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center.

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[1] Mindfuless: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World, by Mark Williams and Danny Penman

Overdependence On Electronic Devices: Tips for Parenting

The sight of smartphones, tablets and other electronic devices peppered among the public is not uncommon today. Over time, experts have discussed how parents should exert control over their children’s use of these devices. However, as electronic devices progressively support non-entertainment functions, setting clear boundaries to prevent overuse becomes more and more difficult. Moreover, noting that we adults are clearly obsessed with our own gadgets, how can we ask our children to change their behavior? We need to realize that overusing electronic devices may have significant effects on brain development, interpersonal relationships and other aspects of our lives. Following are two potential hazards of electronic overdependence and suggestions to help parents build healthier lifestyles for their children.

Brain reaction

Neuroscientists suggest that the prolonged use of digital devices will overactivate a substance in the brain mainly used for processing, which helps us think and react faster. Although this brain activity sounds positive, over-release of the substance can hinder brain development, lesson feelings of contentment and increase apathy toward others. More importantly, children may experience difficulty in expressing their inner feelings, decreasing their abilities to react to and handle stressful situations.

Hyperactivity

Research and studies have been conducted as an attempt to correlate overuse of electronic devices and psychopathology. Although there are no concrete results, we should not underplay the possible significance of the relationship. Because game applications are so attractive and tempting, children find them irresistible, so we can easily imagine why they might lose interest in other activities. They become restless and impatient when asked to do other things, eager to go back to play their devices. Their focus at school and attention to the family are also likely to decrease.

What can I do to help my children...

Preventive measures are always necessary to help your children develop balanced habits. First and foremost, minimize your own use of electronic devices in front of your children. This positive modeling will help your children learn better and faster. Second, set a fixed time for use of electronic devices for both you and your children. But don’t just set a time limit. Establish rules to restrict use of gadgets during important connection moments, such as meal time, after-meal family time and game time. This planning teaches your children that you value your time with them and there is no single thing more important than family interactions.

If your children are already dependent on electronic devices, curbing their habit will take longer. For critical cases, consult with a mental health professional to work out a detailed plan to decrease usage. For mild situations, be patient but firm with your children. Stick with the fixed time you set and plan rewards for when they comply. Do not discipline them when they fail to keep to their time. Remember, it takes time to develop a habit; and it also takes time to undo the habit. Your praise and encouragement both helps to reduce the undesirable habit and build a more positive relationship with your child.  

Author Andy Ying is currently a third year doctoral student at Azusa Pacific University, major in clinical psychology.  He received his B.A in Social work in Hong Kong, China. He also received his first M.A. in Hong Kong major in Family Counseling and Family Education. Later in the U.S., he received his second M.A. in Clinical Psychology in Azusa Pacific University. He is working on his doctoral dissertation about Asian American families who has members with Schizophrenia.