The Art of Listening

Listening effectively is an art that often goes underappreciated. The benefits of good listening skills affect many walks of life including friendships, romantic relationships, work, and parenting. Whether you’re about to get into an argument or hearing from a distressed friend, listening can effectively help you navigate the situation not only for your benefit but for everyone involved.

But isn’t listening just about hearing the right words???

Actually, listening is a response that involves more than your ability to hear the content sent your way. It involves your whole being and unless you are able to respond in full the sender of the message may not feel heard. The essence of listening is matching/mirroring the speaker as well as understanding the words they are communicating. If you can match your speaker they will feel that you value them, understand them, and value their message. There are a couple basic ways to achieve this:

1. Body Language - What you say in your body language says more than anything you can speak in response. Keeping eye contact sends the message that what they are saying is important. Leaning forward says even more. Avoid looking around or being busy with something else. Using your body, you can show the speaker that you are giving them 100% full attention. Mirror what’s going on in their body. Match their facial expressions (match sad, angry, or happy faces). You can even match their body posture in subtle ways. If they are low you can get low. If they are moving around you can move around with them.
2. Voice tone - If you are upset and someone answers you in a happy/elevated tone how does that make you feel? It feels like the person is missing the place you are in. Another secret to listening is to match the voice tone of the speaker. If they are loud you can get elevated as well. If they are speaking quietly you can do the same. However, be careful as we want to match our speaker but we don’t want to sit where they are forever. For example, if someone is speaking angrily you can match their tone but you don’t want to stay in that place. Instead you can get close to their voice tone but just a little below. What you will find is that gradually the speaker may start matching you as you gradually slow down and quiet your voice. But first the speaker needs to feel that you are matching them before they follow you.
3. Summarize - Repeating back the gist of the information you just heard is a huge step to listening. Occasionally take a moment to repeat back the main points you have heard by using a “sounds like…” and ending with a “did I get that right”. Repeating back what the speaker said indicates that you truly heard the message, that you are paying attention, and that you want them to continue.
4. Reflect feelings - The next step is to repeat back the feeling and experience the speaker may be having. Reflecting that “this must be hard” or “that really upset you” or “sounds like it made you really happy” matches not only the content but the essence of the message given to you. It may be hard to read what is going on with a person, but if you are truly following the steps above it may be easier to reflect the kernel of the speaker’s experience. People speak about a multitude of subjects but ultimately they really may be expressing joy, fear, anger, sadness, and other primary feelings.

Whether a speaker is being friendly to you or angry, using such listening skills can make them feel heard in a way that transcends the surface level. If they truly feel understood and heard by you, then they are more likely to return in kind. We all want people to understand us and bringing that understanding to the table can bring great dividends. 

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Crash Course in Parenting Teens

Being the parent of a teen can be a shocking experience. A child can view a parent as “the mostest awesomest” person in the world and quickly change into seeing them as a social liability the next moment. When entering adolescence, teens undergo numerous changes that affect them and the people around them.

For instance, teens will begin to cycle rapidly through moods which may mean moments of joy that suddenly turn to anger. They grow into exploring their identity which may mean they choose activities and appearances that make parents uncomfortable. Teens will also begin to have greater concern for what others think or say about them, which leads to greater influence from peers. Also, teens begin to think abstractly and have capacity for critical analysis which means they can begin to question things (most often that ends up being the parent).

With all these changes parenting can be an overwhelming and scary experience. Some parents may want to react by controlling the situation (a.k.a the dictator parent) which invariably leads to rebellion since teens are looking for increased independence. Other parents allow ultimate freedom in an attempt to be “liked” by the teen (a.k.a. the permissive/doormat parent). Unfortunately this results in a lack of self-control and self-discipline. The better choice is being an active parent which means giving freedom within limits. This fits with teens striving for independence and autonomy while also helping you guide them towards responsibility, self-esteem, and courage.

How about this question; can you control your teen?

The unpopular but gripping truth is that you can’t really make your teen do anything. Instead of demanding control, it is far more effective to influence your teen. The pathway towards influence is as follows:

1. Use choices instead of demands. Give teens freedom to choose within set limits. This fosters a sense of independence and responsibility in a teen removing the drive for them to rebel for power.  
2. Encourage them and build on their strengths. This increases their self-confidence. Also, it builds mutual respect between parent and teen. Value them by stimulating independence (giving them responsibility over new tasks) and increase their confidence by asking for their opinion (this shows that you value what they have to say).
3. Use consequences instead of punishment. Some types of non-physical punishment may be effective for younger children but in adolescence it usually leads to further rebellion. Use the natural consequences of a teen’s behavior (a consequence that occurs without parental action). You can also set up logical consequences which may be strongly connected to the problem. For example two of your teens are fighting to watch TV. Unless they stop fighting they don’t get TV. It is their choice whether they want to watch TV or continue fighting without it. Ultimately parents must also work with a teen to solve problems together.

In a way, parents are not solely in the “problem prevention” business. It is far more important to nurture new responsibility in teens and be present to pick them up when they fall. How parents do this will greatly affect their teen’s future. The best path lies in actively working with and respecting our teens through limits, freedom, and influence.  

References

Popkin, M. H. (1998). Active Parenting of Teens. Atlanta, GA: Active Parenting Publishers.

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