Listening effectively is an art that often goes
underappreciated. The benefits of good listening skills affect many walks of
life including friendships, romantic relationships, work, and parenting.
Whether you’re about to get into an argument or hearing from a distressed
friend, listening can effectively help you navigate the situation not only for
your benefit but for everyone involved.
But isn’t listening just about hearing the right
words???
Actually, listening is a response that involves
more than your ability to hear the content sent your way. It involves your
whole being and unless you are able to respond in full the sender of the
message may not feel heard. The essence of listening is matching/mirroring the
speaker as well as understanding the words they are communicating. If you can
match your speaker they will feel that you value them, understand them, and
value their message. There are a couple basic ways to achieve this:
- Body Language - What you say in your body language says
more than anything you can speak in response. Keeping eye contact sends
the message that what they are saying is important. Leaning forward says
even more. Avoid looking around or being busy with something else. Using
your body, you can show the speaker that you are giving them 100% full
attention. Mirror what’s going on in their body. Match their facial
expressions (match sad, angry, or happy faces). You can even match their
body posture in subtle ways. If they are low you can get low. If they are
moving around you can move around with them.
- Voice tone - If you are upset and someone answers you
in a happy/elevated tone how does that make you feel? It feels like the
person is missing the place you are in. Another secret to listening is to
match the voice tone of the speaker. If they are loud you can get elevated
as well. If they are speaking quietly you can do the same. However, be
careful as we want to match our speaker but we don’t want to sit where
they are forever. For example, if someone is speaking angrily you can
match their tone but you don’t want to stay in that place. Instead you can
get close to their voice tone but just a little below. What you will find
is that gradually the speaker may start matching you as you gradually slow
down and quiet your voice. But first the speaker needs to feel that you
are matching them before they follow you.
- Summarize - Repeating back the gist of the information
you just heard is a huge step to listening. Occasionally take a moment to
repeat back the main points you have heard by using a “sounds like…” and
ending with a “did I get that right”. Repeating back what the speaker said
indicates that you truly heard the message, that you are paying attention,
and that you want them to continue.
- Reflect feelings - The next step is to repeat back the
feeling and experience the speaker may be having. Reflecting that “this
must be hard” or “that really upset you” or “sounds like it made you
really happy” matches not only the content but the essence of the message
given to you. It may be hard to read what is going on with a person, but
if you are truly following the steps above it may be easier to reflect the
kernel of the speaker’s experience. People speak about a multitude of
subjects but ultimately they really may be expressing joy, fear, anger, sadness,
and other primary feelings.
Whether a speaker is being friendly to you or
angry, using such listening skills can make them feel heard in a way that
transcends the surface level. If they truly feel understood and heard by you,
then they are more likely to return in kind. We all want people to understand
us and bringing that understanding to the table can bring great dividends.
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