Please Tell Me It's Okay To Make A Mistake

Yes, you read it right. Although such a request is seldom made, receiving permission to make a mistake is essential and constructive. The world of today doesn’t always love, accept or admire us if we aren’t highly skilled overachievers. Examples of such cultural trajectories are academic grading scales, school talent shows, college acceptance qualifications, promotion requirements and long lists of conditions for marriage candidacy. Even family members and friends find themselves counting and comparing the number of trophies each has displayed on their shelves or the kitchen fridge. We interpret that we need to be great to be loved through both verbal and non-verbal communication. How many of us heard as children that our high grades in math or comprehension would earn us a trip to Disneyland or our favorite restaurant? Or did we receive a bonus in our allowance after learning a new skill?

The importance of unconditional love seems to be fading from our culture. But once we realize it is okay to fail occasionally, much of our anxiety and stress will be cut from its roots. We will no longer set perfectionist standards high enough to elicit stress over our potential failure. Further, we are often deprived of love and attention due to our weaknesses and limitations. We can become more secure and confident if the love we receive no longer depends on our accomplishments. Knowing that making mistakes is acceptable drives us to compete less and blossom as individuals. Space is created for our unique characteristics to flourish. We are free to explore our interests without living up to unrealistic standards of success and the expected achievements set by cultural norms.

Not only do we personally need to receive grace for our mistakes, but so do the others in our lives: our children, spouse and friends. They will benefit similarly from the discussion above. Those around us are also caught in the cultural demands for perfection. Although we have advanced in many areas of science, Mark Williams and Danny Penman remind us in their book, Mindfulness[1], that according to the World Health Organization, depression will impose the second biggest health burden globally by 2020. They also note that anxiety in children and young people are now at a point that would have been judged to be “clinical” in the 1950s.

Try to remember the best teacher you ever had. Why was she your favorite teacher? She likely accepted, loved, and admired you as opposed to being the most knowledgeable and accomplished of all your teachers, demonstrating our longing for these values over the pride of achievement. Being perfect does not improve our mental health, but knowing that we can be accepted and loved no matter what will change our lives forever. Do you find yourself arguing over the points of this article? Do you wish to edit this article to make it perfect? If you do, you are among many who have been affected by the cultural trajectory. Through practice and time, we can let go and allow ourselves small mistakes. The goal is not to build a success resume, but to foster a healthy, happy and peaceful self.

Author Ashkan  Amlashi is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center.

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[1] Mindfuless: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World, by Mark Williams and Danny Penman

Overdependence On Electronic Devices: Tips for Parenting

The sight of smartphones, tablets and other electronic devices peppered among the public is not uncommon today. Over time, experts have discussed how parents should exert control over their children’s use of these devices. However, as electronic devices progressively support non-entertainment functions, setting clear boundaries to prevent overuse becomes more and more difficult. Moreover, noting that we adults are clearly obsessed with our own gadgets, how can we ask our children to change their behavior? We need to realize that overusing electronic devices may have significant effects on brain development, interpersonal relationships and other aspects of our lives. Following are two potential hazards of electronic overdependence and suggestions to help parents build healthier lifestyles for their children.

Brain reaction

Neuroscientists suggest that the prolonged use of digital devices will overactivate a substance in the brain mainly used for processing, which helps us think and react faster. Although this brain activity sounds positive, over-release of the substance can hinder brain development, lesson feelings of contentment and increase apathy toward others. More importantly, children may experience difficulty in expressing their inner feelings, decreasing their abilities to react to and handle stressful situations.

Hyperactivity

Research and studies have been conducted as an attempt to correlate overuse of electronic devices and psychopathology. Although there are no concrete results, we should not underplay the possible significance of the relationship. Because game applications are so attractive and tempting, children find them irresistible, so we can easily imagine why they might lose interest in other activities. They become restless and impatient when asked to do other things, eager to go back to play their devices. Their focus at school and attention to the family are also likely to decrease.

What can I do to help my children...

Preventive measures are always necessary to help your children develop balanced habits. First and foremost, minimize your own use of electronic devices in front of your children. This positive modeling will help your children learn better and faster. Second, set a fixed time for use of electronic devices for both you and your children. But don’t just set a time limit. Establish rules to restrict use of gadgets during important connection moments, such as meal time, after-meal family time and game time. This planning teaches your children that you value your time with them and there is no single thing more important than family interactions.

If your children are already dependent on electronic devices, curbing their habit will take longer. For critical cases, consult with a mental health professional to work out a detailed plan to decrease usage. For mild situations, be patient but firm with your children. Stick with the fixed time you set and plan rewards for when they comply. Do not discipline them when they fail to keep to their time. Remember, it takes time to develop a habit; and it also takes time to undo the habit. Your praise and encouragement both helps to reduce the undesirable habit and build a more positive relationship with your child.  

Author Andy Ying is currently a third year doctoral student at Azusa Pacific University, major in clinical psychology.  He received his B.A in Social work in Hong Kong, China. He also received his first M.A. in Hong Kong major in Family Counseling and Family Education. Later in the U.S., he received his second M.A. in Clinical Psychology in Azusa Pacific University. He is working on his doctoral dissertation about Asian American families who has members with Schizophrenia.

Early Identification: Family Members with Mental Health Problems

A family member’s mental health disorder creates stress for the entire family. Today, it is not uncommon to see Schizophrenia, depression, anxiety and many other mental health problems afflict people's psychological health. Identifying disorders can prove complex, especially when an individual is experiencing a developmental shift. For example, parents may mistake their child’s behavioral change for puberty rather than realizing she has a mental disorder. Elder members of the family may seem to change their behavior due to aging.

Following are simple descriptions to help identify early signs of mental conditions. Because these guildelines are only preliminary, do seek help from mental health professionals to confirm the diagnosis.

Significant attitude changes toward people

Mental health problems usually negatively affect social functioning. People caught in the early stages of a mental disorder might face uncertainty, fear, and frustration. For example, Schizophrenics or psychotics are likely to experience hallucinations, often hearing voices or seeing images not heard or seen by others. Such hallucinations trigger suspicion of other people and the fear of being harmed, leading them to isolate themselves. They may lock themselves in their rooms or show unusual hostility because of this fear of harm, to the great frustration of their family members. Their seclusion is not restricted to family. Pulling back from friends, coworkers, teachers and others is further proof of social isolation. Pay close attention to whether your loved one suddenly becomes remote or even fearful of others.

Increase in bizarre behaviors and reports of hallucinations

Bizarre behaviors are also indicators of mental health problems. Most prominent clues manifest in speech and appearance. Notice whether your family member suddenly seems to be speaking strangely, perhaps using a made-up language, which is an indication of Schizophrenia. Observe whether he becomes disoriented, losing track of time or place. Does he report hearing voices or seeing things that do not exist? These are signs of hallucinations. Make further investigations.

Look for a drastic change in personal hygiene. Has she become seriously unkempt or kept her room filthy when she never did before? Remember, long-term messy habits are not revealing. Abrupt changes are the key indicators.

What can I do...

Numerous resources for mental health assessment, diagnosis and treatment exist in the community. Mental health professionals such as psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and family marital therapists are all able to identify potential mental health problems. If you observe any of the symptoms discussed above, do not panic. Remaining calm and supportive of your family member is essential and likely to improve his condition. Encourage him to receive an assessment from a psychiatrist and escort him to the appointment. With medication and continued care, many mental disorder sufferers are able to resume most of their functioning, so receiving early care is invaluable.

Author Andy Ying is currently a third year doctoral student at Azusa Pacific University, major in clinical psychology.  He received his B.A in Social work in Hong Kong, China. He also received his first M.A. in Hong Kong major in Family Counseling and Family Education. Later in the U.S., he received his second M.A. in Clinical Psychology in Azusa Pacific University. He is working on his doctoral dissertation about Asian American families who has members with Schizophrenia.

Parenting Woes at Misbehaving Child

However desirable, a list of indisputable to-dos do not come with the birth of your child. Not only are you as a parent, responsible for the physical survival of the infant, but you must raise your child within societal standards. Remembering that parenting is a gift can be difficult as you experience the frustration and exhaustion triggered by your child’s misbehavior. However, bear in mind that family is often the first place a child experiences love and relationship, and her initial experiences pave the way for future experiences.

Psychological theorist Dr. Donald Winnicott focuses upon the idea of a true vs. false self. The true self is at the core of each person and what makes each person an individual, distinguishing him from others. Certainly, if you have multiple children, you can attest to how different each child is. These differences emerge from the true self. In the literature[1], Winnicott describes this concept as a “vital spark”, inherent in each individual, leading him to his life purpose. Take, for example, a seed that is placed in the ground. The seed does not need to be told to grow into a daffodil, but with necessary components (water and sunlight), it matures into a daffodil. A live daffodil seed can’t become anything other than a daffodil. Winnicott believed that instead of water and sunlight, humans need a sufficient “facilitating environment” to mature and develop, known in psychoanalytic language as the “holding environment” that the mother provides for her infant. A child has within herself the capacity for maturity and self-authenticity, so the parent simply needs to provide the adequate environment for this to occur. Establishing rules and maintaining discipline, while perhaps a part of creating a safe holding environment, is not the foundational component to healthy living.

            

A safe holding environment contains the child’s fragmented world experience. The child feels safe and nurtured in this environment because he knows what is acceptable and what is not. Align yourself with your child and attune to his presenting needs, and he will subsequently develop a sense of being known by you, leading to feelings of comfort and security. A child needs to experience his whole, true self as contained in this environment, not just perceived pieces that are acceptable to you as a parent. You need to respect your child’s experience, even if you do not think his reaction fits a circumstance. He will then experience a feeling of respect, even if you do not approve of his behavior. If the child feels wholly accepted, he will not hide parts of himself from you. Providing a space with respect and connectedness prepares the child to expect such values from others in his life.

            

Most significant of Winnicott’s concepts is the idea of the true and false self. Instead of focusing on producing a “good” kid, parents should aspire to raise a “true” kid. This notion may be a fundamental shift in your concept of what it means to be a good parent. Perhaps your definition of success is the launching of a “good”, productive member of society, kind, and successful. But an authentic child is one who is true to herself and becomes who she was created to be. You need to let go of the specific parental dreams you have, and instead, become a student of your child as together, you discover the uniqueness that is innate within her.

            

What does all this mean? What does this look like played out? Below are a few ideas of how to create the “holding environment” for healthy development.

Recommendations[2]

Tolerate your child’s emotions.

Accepting your child’s emotions teaches him to tolerate his own emotional discomfort. Punishing a child’s response will push the child away. Focus on connecting.

Help your child create narratives of her experiences.

Create space to discuss the day and help your child articulate her experiences. Establishing this healthy pattern helps the child learn how to integrate herself into a coherent story of her life.

Continually increase your own self-awareness.

Being aware of yourself helps you to know what is “your stuff” in a particular situation and what the other is bringing into the relationship.

Understanding yourself allows you to choose your behaviors instead of merely reacting.

Model healthy emotions by expressing your own emotions directly and simply.The child learns by example.

Respect your child’s experience.

Although your child’s reaction may not seem to fit the circumstance, respect his response and experience of the situation. Respecting isn’t the same as accepting.

Work towards collaborative responses.

Focus on the process of connection instead of just the content of the communication; learn to observe your child’s non-verbal and verbal communication.

Reflect with a child on his emotional experience after an altercation.

This practice aims to realign you with your child so you both feel understood and connected. Space is provided for each of you to regain your dignity and feel better about yourselves.

Reconnect with your child after separation to ease any feelings of isolation or being misunderstood. 

Disconnection can deregulate and disorient your child.

Be kind and empathetic regarding your own emotions towards your child, and take responsibility for your actions. No parent behaves perfectly every time.

Your own guilt increases the distance between you and your child and can hinder you in restoring the relationship. Anger towards your own responses to your child can also hamper your ability to reflect your child’s experience.

Instead of fixing, try joining.

Joining means coming alongside your child instead of establishing yourself over him. As you attune and attempt to understand your child, he will gain more strength and self-sufficiency. He will learn to explore himself instead of repeatedly responding to your demands.

Learn to laugh. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

Disruptions in relationships will occur, and getting caught up in mistakes lessons our chance to connect with the other.

Be a student of your child. Don’t assume you understand where she’s coming from.

The child will feel the freedom to share her experiences rather than merely telling you want you want to hear.

Parents’ natural inclinations may be to follow behaviors demonstrated by their own parents, built on generation upon generation of similar patterns of rules and punishment. But do consider the deep connection you can achieve by allowing your child’s true self to take shape while providing a safe and secure environment. And enjoy the distinctive person your child becomes.

Author Elizabeth St. Clair is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center.

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[1] The Child, the Family, and the Outside World, By Donald Woods Winnicott

[2] Recommendations adapted from, Parenting From the Inside Out, By Daniel Siegel M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed.

Facing Social Anxiety - And Winning

Increased heart rate. Profuse sweating. Difficulty breathing! Symptoms suitable for the emergency room. But what may not be apparent to many is that these are all physical manifestations of social anxiety, or the “. . . persistent fear of social situations where the individual fears that he will act in a way that will be embarrassing and humiliating”, as defined by one of ICC’s therapists who served a client exhibiting this condition.

Fred came to Intercommunity Counseling Center as a young adult with an extreme fear of interacting with people. The strong emotion led him to avoid what many consider the highlights of life, including meeting new people, interpersonal communication and any kind of attention. This behavior interfered with his job, social activities and relationships, leading to a profound sense of isolation.

Like numerous others who face social anxiety, Fred experienced the scary symptoms listed above, plus other physical indicators like dry mouth, tensing of muscles and the tendency to blush, in social situations. His ICC counselor notes “The recognition of these symptoms leads to a vicious cycle, where their presence exacerbates the individual’s embarrassment and thus worsens their anxiety and fear. Experiencing this intense reaction is uncomfortable and distressing; thus, in an attempt to prevent the discomfort, many individuals begin avoiding social interactions and isolate themselves.”

Considering that social anxiety is impelled by negative thoughts, our therapist chose to use the cognitive behavioral model, created by Aaron Beck back in the 1960s. “I work from a cognitive behavioral model, meaning I address both maladaptive thoughts and maladaptive behaviors that contribute to the persistence of anxiety symptoms.”

The cognitive component of this approach focuses on how the client perceives troubling situations. Together, therapist and individual specify problems, then identify thoughts and behaviors that accompany these challenges. “These thoughts may revolve around believing that everyone is paying attention to the individual, catastrophizing future events, or the belief that the individual knows what others are thinking of him. I helped Fred find evidence that supported and contradicted each of his fears and negative thoughts, something that is new to individuals as we usually tend to find only evidence that supports our beliefs.”

The behavioral component centers on changing responses to emotional triggers. Unfortunately for the client, the most effective progress is achieved through confronting fears. For Fred, “some sessions were extremely difficult for him to get through, causing him intense emotional reactions and fear responses. These sessions usually involved role-playing through various social situations, imaginative simulation of distressing events such as job interviews, and homework assignments that involved social tasks such as simply saying ‘hello’ to a stranger.”

Long-term coping strategies provided to Fred by our therapist included:

• Diaphragmatic breathing: slow breathing technique promoting relaxation
• Progessive muscle relaxation: diversion practice focusing on muscle groups and away from current threat
• Thought stopping: interruption method banishing negative beliefs 

In as few as twenty sessions, Fred’s life dramatically improved as he reconnected with old friends, started attending social events, made new friends and even landed a job. “Throughout the entire process, Fred was able to enthusiastically share how he was able to utilize several of the techniques he learned in session during all of these social situations . . . when faced with a crowd of people, Fred said he was able to refocus his attention on something other than his anxiety and search for evidence that contradicted his negative thoughts. Overall, Fred was more than happy with the different skills he learned in therapy that helped him manage and control his anxiety.”

The online Social Anxiety Fact Sheet declares the disorder to be the third largest mental health care problem in the world. At some point in their lives, thirteen percent of the population stand the chance to develop social anxiety. But cognitive behavioral therapy is reported to be widely successful. President of the Social Anxiety Association, Thomas A. Richards, Ph.D, notes “Twenty years of experience points to the fact that people who have lived with this condition and overcome it, make the best group leaders.”

Because cognitive behavioral therapy is shown to be effective for so many psychological ailments, Intercommunity Counseling Center promotes and supports its practice by its numerous, talented therapists. 

Living Well in Sobriety

Life after sobriety should be carefree. A fresh start, clean slate and new adventures must lie ahead. While that sentiment is certainly a positive by-product of sobriety, most individuals find they face challenges and struggles to work on long after taking their last drink or hit. “The fear of being vulnerable that newcomers experience in the early stages of sobriety is so intense that some can’t get past it”, states George Joseph, a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor and CEO of The Right Step rehabilitation center.

Thirty-eight-year-old Lily had been less than three years’ sober when she sought support with one of Intercommunity Counseling Center’s compassionate therapists. She did have two major advantages: a stable living situation and a good job. Our counselor soon learned that Lily did not have any real “diagnosis”: no clinical depression, anxiety or personality disorder. What she did have was a heart-wrenching history consisting of alcoholism, homelessness, beatings, incarceration, hospitalization and institutionalization. She clearly needed skills to help her cope as a sober person, as well as a way to deal with her past. “If I could look back and try to recall my impression of this woman in her late thirties, I would somehow compare her to a burn victim who had just walked out of the ashes of her life.”

Vestiges arising from her painful existence unfolded as misguided choices she made concerning relationships, especially apparent in picking men who devalued her. Making unwise choices can be typical for those new to sobriety. Our ICC therapist also realized that Lily experienced role confusion due to early detachment from her mother, revealed in her tendency to display different aspects of herself, almost as separate personalities. “The angry, tough Lily; a sweet, humble girl; the determined student that vowed to never fail again; the forgiving Christian; and even the competent professional, showed herself in the counseling room.”

Although looking at the past is valuable, effective treatment includes techniques to move forward. “Of course, a therapist must help search in the ashes to try to unveil what caused the fire in an area of one’s life. Was it the abuse of her mother, the physical, emotional or sexual abuse of the men she pursued for love, or was it her insatiable appetite for affirmation?” Whatever is ultimately to blame, the aftermath tends to be distorted thinking that leads to unhealthy behavior.

Using cognitive therapy, our counselor uncovered her false beliefs, one by one, and challenged what was true and what was a lie. The cognitive approach developed in the 1960s by Aaron Beck involves “identifying distorted thinking, modifying beliefs, relating to others in different ways, and changing behaviors”, according to the Beck Institute website. Lily’s ability to discuss her history allowed her to recall the messages and labels she received in the past, and then eliminate them.

Our therapist also taught Lily keys to living a healthy, sober life. For a person early in sobriety, there are behaviors and circumstances to avoid:

• letting guard down after goals seem to be completed
• isolation
• compromising situations
• triggers
• associating with former drinking buddies
• and, especially for Lily:
• calling former partners from bad relationships 

Carole Bennett, M.A. and author of Reclaim Your Life - You and the Alcoholic / Addict states that the newly sober individual needs to live and obtain:

a “total clean and sober existence”

“therapy to help a loved one in recovery deal with some deep-seeded, personal and emotional conflicts that may be stuffed somewhere deep down inside”

“a daily work schedule that was specific and regimented” for consistency and accountability

“Living life on life's terms . . . brace themselves to these new bumps in the road”

Through six years of therapy and counting, Lily has met and conquered all four challenges. She has just completed one round of schooling and seeks additional education to further her career. Being driven in everything she does, she works long hours and feels the pressure to succeed. But this drive has served her, and she has improved impressively in the past years. She even works with other women who need support. “Lily’s past failures have facilitated her ability to be a wealth of insight and experience that is impacting other women in recovery”, notes her therapist.

Counselors like these, willing to partner with a client through the duration, are typical of the Intercommunity Counseling Center team. Our confidence in our staff leads to creative solutions that often incorporate several modes of assistance. Although cognitive therapy and a good, listening ear were the primary techniques applied to Lily, her spirituality was also supported throughout the course of therapy. “I know if I were to ask Lily ‘What was the major key to your success?’, she would say holding onto her faith in the God who created her for more. He told her how valuable she is and how much she is loved. He brought her out of the ruins and gave her hope for a better future. She would say that He took the ashes of her life and made something beautiful out of it.”

Living with Grief

Taking time for grief. In this demanding world, many of us don’t honor ourselves when the time has come to slow down, look inward, and perceive life beyond everyday details. Although a normal part of life, grief affects us in ways we aren’t always aware of, especially when unexpressed or unprocessed. One of our therapists at Intercommunity Counseling Center notes “In life, each of us go through seasons when difficult circumstances may become more of our normative experience for a time. During these times, it can be very helpful to have someone else, often a therapist, walk through the experience with you and assist you in gaining clarity and direction for what is most important to you.”

This therapist provided short-term therapy to 48-year-old Rebecca. Married with three children, three grandchildren and a mother with advanced dementia, Rebecca had little time to think about or deal with the death of her father. Her care for her mother was full-time, leaving her with about a 20-minute window per day to run errands. Being extremely conscientious, Rebecca wanted to honor her father by giving her mother the highest-quality, loving care.

“Rebecca came into Intercommunity Counseling Center and asked to work with a therapist in processing her grief over the loss of her father. Rebecca had realized that even though he passed away six months ago, she had been so busy with caring for her mother that she had not processed her grief which was now beginning to feel overwhelming.”

Typical symptoms of grief include low energy, burn-out, difficulty concentrating, difficulty accomplishing daily tasks, sadness and crying multiple times per day. Rebecca experienced all of these at the point she started therapy, but because of a lack of familial support, also felt deeply lonely and isolated. Her adult children were not helping her, and she received no assistance from her siblings with her mother. Still, her profound sense of commitment and love kept her going.

Our ICC counselor selected both cognitive and solution-focused therapies to combine psychological and behavioral treatments for a powerful, yet short-term course of therapy for Rebecca. The realization that perceptions and thoughts contribute to individuals’ emotions and behaviors is behind the cognitive model. This treatment was developed by Aaron Beck in the 1960s. Solution-focused therapy, created by Insoo Kim Berg and Steve de Shazer in the late 1970s, is based on discovering, then using methods that have worked for individuals in their pasts.

Through cognitive therapy, clients first identify distorted beliefs, then modify them, with the help of their counselors, who in turn, teach them to practice this process themselves. “We examined thoughts that kept her feeling trapped in her role as caregiver. For example: I am not honoring my parents if I ask others for help in their care. We also utilized exception finding to see how the black-and-white thinking was not always true nor beneficial.” Further, sharing her own experience of losing her father helped her recall what she appreciated and missed about him, as well as facing the weaker aspects of their relationship. Her self worth was restored when she started recognizing her own strengths.

Next, to devise active steps, our therapist and client partnered in the practice of solution-focused therapy. The model stresses what can be done now, and not the problems that necessitated the therapy. To achieve specific goals, build on the individual’s strengths, discover what has worked for her in the past, and determine how she can incorporate these actions in daily life. Our ICC therapist comments “In these times, it is important to remember your own strengths and actions you have previously used to help you achieve goals you’ve longed for.”

Specific tools of the treatment encompass a series of queries (paraphrased from the Solution-Focused Therapy website):

• Identifying client’s previous solutions to be applied to present challenges
• Finding similar occasions from the past when outcomes were positive
• Asking questions to focus on present or future actions leading to success
• Paying compliments to reinforce how client’s methods are working
• Encouraging client to do more of what has been effective
• Asking scaling questions (rating her own progress, etc., from 0 to 10)
• Asking coping questions to reinforce measures she has taken to persevere 

“As Rebecca began to feel more able to contribute and navigate within her environment, she recognized that previously, she had several sources of support which she utilized to bring in healthy life patterns.”

Within just two months of therapy, Rebecca amazingly accomplished several goals:

Recalled her background in faith and began attending church services

Gained support from others in her community with the side benefit of getting help with her mother

Spent more time with friends and loved ones

Shifted to self-care (instead of constantly caring for others). Components included:

• Time/space to grieve and rest
• Exercise
• Proper nutrition 

Rebecca’s time at ICC also served as an education. She was able to observe grief responses in her family members and then help them build healthy habits. When the support eventually became mutual, her feelings of isolation subsided. What a positive outgrowth of receiving therapy: client becomes benefactor!

Our ICC therapist remarks, “As a normal part of life experience, grief or loss is a familiar experience for all of us. At times, continuing to live our ‘normal’ daily life rhythm can be very challenging after the passing of a loved one. Therapy is a beneficial place to process your experience in a safe space.” Intercommunity Counseling Center is honored to provide that refuge for our clients.