However desirable, a list of indisputable to-dos do not come
with the birth of your child. Not only are you as a parent, responsible for the
physical survival of the infant, but you must raise your child within societal
standards. Remembering that parenting is a gift can be difficult as you
experience the frustration and exhaustion triggered by your child’s
misbehavior. However, bear in mind that family is often the first place a child
experiences love and relationship, and her initial experiences pave the way for
future experiences.
Psychological
theorist Dr. Donald Winnicott focuses upon the idea of a true vs. false self. The
true self is at the core of each person and what makes each person an
individual, distinguishing him from others. Certainly, if you have multiple
children, you can attest to how different each child is. These differences
emerge from the true self. In the literature[1], Winnicott describes
this concept as a “vital spark”, inherent in each individual, leading him to
his life purpose. Take, for example, a seed that is placed in the ground. The
seed does not need to be told to grow into a daffodil, but with necessary
components (water and sunlight), it matures into a daffodil. A live daffodil
seed can’t become anything other than a daffodil. Winnicott believed that
instead of water and sunlight, humans need a sufficient “facilitating
environment” to mature and develop, known in psychoanalytic language as the
“holding environment” that the mother provides for her infant. A child has
within herself the capacity for maturity and self-authenticity, so the parent
simply needs to provide the adequate environment for this to occur. Establishing
rules and maintaining discipline, while perhaps a part of creating a safe
holding environment, is not the foundational component to healthy living.
A safe
holding environment contains the child’s fragmented world experience. The child
feels safe and nurtured in this environment because he knows what is acceptable
and what is not. Align yourself with your child and attune to his presenting
needs, and he will subsequently develop a sense of being known by you, leading
to feelings of comfort and security. A child needs to experience his whole,
true self as contained in this environment, not just perceived pieces that are
acceptable to you as a parent. You need to respect your child’s experience,
even if you do not think his reaction fits a circumstance. He will then
experience a feeling of respect, even if you do not approve of his behavior. If
the child feels wholly accepted, he will not hide parts of himself from you. Providing
a space with respect and connectedness prepares the child to expect such values
from others in his life.
Most significant
of Winnicott’s concepts is the idea of the true and false self. Instead of
focusing on producing a “good” kid, parents should aspire to raise a “true”
kid. This notion may be a fundamental shift in your concept of what it means to
be a good parent. Perhaps your definition of success is the launching of a
“good”, productive member of society, kind, and successful. But an authentic
child is one who is true to herself and becomes who she was created to be. You
need to let go of the specific parental dreams you have, and instead, become a
student of your child as together, you discover the uniqueness that is innate
within her.
What does
all this mean? What does this look like played out? Below are a few ideas of
how to create the “holding environment” for healthy development.
Recommendations[2]
Tolerate your child’s emotions.
Accepting your child’s emotions teaches him to tolerate his
own emotional discomfort. Punishing a child’s response will push the child
away. Focus on connecting.
Help your child create narratives of her experiences.
Create space to discuss the day and help your child
articulate her experiences. Establishing this healthy pattern helps the child
learn how to integrate herself into a coherent story of her life.
Continually increase your own self-awareness.
Being aware of yourself helps you to know what is “your
stuff” in a particular situation and what the other is bringing into the
relationship.
Understanding yourself allows you to choose your behaviors
instead of merely reacting.
Model healthy emotions by expressing your own emotions
directly and simply.The child learns by example.
Respect your child’s experience.
Although your child’s reaction may not seem to fit the
circumstance, respect his response and experience of the situation. Respecting
isn’t the same as accepting.
Work towards collaborative responses.
Focus on the process of connection instead of just the
content of the communication; learn to observe your child’s non-verbal and
verbal communication.
Reflect with a child on his emotional experience after an
altercation.
This practice aims to realign you with your child so you
both feel understood and connected. Space is provided for each of you to regain
your dignity and feel better about yourselves.
Reconnect with your child after separation to ease any feelings
of isolation or being misunderstood.
Disconnection can deregulate and disorient
your child.
Be kind and empathetic regarding your own emotions towards
your child, and take responsibility for your actions. No parent behaves
perfectly every time.
Your own guilt increases the distance between you and your
child and can hinder you in restoring the relationship. Anger towards your own
responses to your child can also hamper your ability to reflect your child’s
experience.
Instead of fixing, try joining.
Joining means coming alongside your child instead of
establishing yourself over him. As you attune and attempt to understand your
child, he will gain more strength and self-sufficiency. He will learn to
explore himself instead of repeatedly responding to your demands.
Learn to laugh. Don’t take yourself so seriously.
Disruptions in relationships will occur, and getting caught
up in mistakes lessons our chance to connect with the other.
Be a student of your child. Don’t assume you understand
where she’s coming from.
The child will feel the freedom to share her experiences rather
than merely telling you want you want to hear.
Parents’ natural inclinations may be to follow behaviors
demonstrated by their own parents, built on generation upon generation of similar
patterns of rules and punishment. But do consider the deep connection you can
achieve by allowing your child’s true self to take shape while providing a safe
and secure environment. And enjoy the distinctive person your child becomes.
Author Elizabeth St. Clair is a predoctoral therapist at the
Intercommunity Counseling Center.
[1] The Child, the Family, and the Outside World,
By Donald Woods Winnicott
[2] Recommendations
adapted from, Parenting From the Inside
Out, By Daniel Siegel M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed.
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