“The holidays are coming. We’ll have a great time with the children
– but oh, no! What will we do with the in-laws?”
Our western culture celebrates privacy and independence.
Life is usually so busy that we struggle to find time to spend with our
children and spouses, leaving even less time for social interactions. This
demanding lifestyle often tends to exclude our parents, making them feel
forgotten and unloved. The transition from holding a primary role to a
secondary role in their children’s lives can be difficult and uncomfortable. Single
in-laws may find this separation from their children even more challenging. Therefore,
whether consciously or subconsciously, parents may start interfering to claim
back their primary roles.
The effects of parental interference may sneak up on a
couple. Minor instances of criticism or unsolicited advice may go unnoticed at
the beginning of a visit, but gradually take their toll to the point at which
the couple may find themselves arguing or fighting over petty issues. In-laws
are famous for providing instructions on parenting and marital relationships,
cooking different foods and even to trying to manage the house. Instead of a season
for gathering and enjoyment of each other’s company, the holidays turn into a
stressful time with couples hiding to avoid their in-laws’ negative comments.
So what are the solutions? Following are three groups of
tips helpful for not only stopping unwanted behavior, but for building
positive, healthy relationships.
Before the Holidays
Although they may hold secondary roles in our lives, we should
assure our in-laws that not only are they not forgotten or left out, but that they
are very important to us. This does not mean we are required to meet with them
on a weekly basis just before the holidays. But calling occasionally to ask
about their days or health are thoughtful gestures demonstrating our care and
kindness. Remembering their birthdays, anniversaries and sending them flowers
occasionally goes a long way. “Like”-ing or commenting on their Facebook photos gives
them a lift. Hearing their needs and accommodating some of them by changing
minor things in the relationship might be worth the trouble to avoid bigger
struggles and fights in the future. For example, meeting them for Christmas and
making other plans for Thanksgiving is a good compromise.
During the Holidays
Spending alone time with in-laws and sharing personal
challenges tends to make them feel important and connected, allowing them the
opportunity to share their wisdom. Asking for their holiday likes and dislikes
and then implementing some of them makes them feel welcomed. Getting them
involved in activities will make them feel useful as well as lightening some of
our own burden. “Lose the battle, win the war”[1]. Giving up a few
details to keep in-laws happy is worth it to avoid more important potential
conflicts.
Unfortunately, these actions don’t always stop interference,
and can even backfire, inviting further intrusion into the couples’ life. If
this is the case, waiting to resolve the tension until after the holidays is
advised. Holiday stress and demands preclude a successful resolution.
After the Holidays
To improve interactions with our in-laws, we need to
acknowledge that every relationship requires two persons’ efforts, therefore
possibly requiring some change on our own part. Although difficult to accept,
this fact is nonetheless critical. Learning mediation skills, changing
perspectives and studying communication skills are beneficial. For example,
breathing exercises help with relaxation. Seeing issues from our in-laws’
points of view awakens our empathy. Using kind words and showing admiration improves
our communication skills.
However, our unique relationship with our in-laws cannot be
ignored by our spouse. Our in-laws’ own child is also part of the change and is
responsible for negotiating healthy boundaries. Spouses should be in agreement over
the boundaries set, and if they are violated, the in-laws’ child is accountable
to resolve the conflict. Parents more easily hear concerns from their own
children than from their children’s spouses. However, often adult children
learned to submit to their parents years
ago. In her book Toxic In-Laws[2], Susan Forward notes
that we need to teach ourselves how to encourage, empower and strengthen our
spouses for such conversations with their families. We are not to punish them,
but speak of our struggles in a way that inspires a successful resolution.
Although the above tips are valuable for numerous in-law
challenges, more complicated situations may call for professional help.
Author Ashkan Amlashi
is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center.
[1]
Paraphrased, The Art of War by Sun
Tzu
[2] Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for
Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward
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