The Art of Listening

Listening effectively is an art that often goes underappreciated. The benefits of good listening skills affect many walks of life including friendships, romantic relationships, work, and parenting. Whether you’re about to get into an argument or hearing from a distressed friend, listening can effectively help you navigate the situation not only for your benefit but for everyone involved.

But isn’t listening just about hearing the right words???

Actually, listening is a response that involves more than your ability to hear the content sent your way. It involves your whole being and unless you are able to respond in full the sender of the message may not feel heard. The essence of listening is matching/mirroring the speaker as well as understanding the words they are communicating. If you can match your speaker they will feel that you value them, understand them, and value their message. There are a couple basic ways to achieve this:

1. Body Language - What you say in your body language says more than anything you can speak in response. Keeping eye contact sends the message that what they are saying is important. Leaning forward says even more. Avoid looking around or being busy with something else. Using your body, you can show the speaker that you are giving them 100% full attention. Mirror what’s going on in their body. Match their facial expressions (match sad, angry, or happy faces). You can even match their body posture in subtle ways. If they are low you can get low. If they are moving around you can move around with them.
2. Voice tone - If you are upset and someone answers you in a happy/elevated tone how does that make you feel? It feels like the person is missing the place you are in. Another secret to listening is to match the voice tone of the speaker. If they are loud you can get elevated as well. If they are speaking quietly you can do the same. However, be careful as we want to match our speaker but we don’t want to sit where they are forever. For example, if someone is speaking angrily you can match their tone but you don’t want to stay in that place. Instead you can get close to their voice tone but just a little below. What you will find is that gradually the speaker may start matching you as you gradually slow down and quiet your voice. But first the speaker needs to feel that you are matching them before they follow you.
3. Summarize - Repeating back the gist of the information you just heard is a huge step to listening. Occasionally take a moment to repeat back the main points you have heard by using a “sounds like…” and ending with a “did I get that right”. Repeating back what the speaker said indicates that you truly heard the message, that you are paying attention, and that you want them to continue.
4. Reflect feelings - The next step is to repeat back the feeling and experience the speaker may be having. Reflecting that “this must be hard” or “that really upset you” or “sounds like it made you really happy” matches not only the content but the essence of the message given to you. It may be hard to read what is going on with a person, but if you are truly following the steps above it may be easier to reflect the kernel of the speaker’s experience. People speak about a multitude of subjects but ultimately they really may be expressing joy, fear, anger, sadness, and other primary feelings.

Whether a speaker is being friendly to you or angry, using such listening skills can make them feel heard in a way that transcends the surface level. If they truly feel understood and heard by you, then they are more likely to return in kind. We all want people to understand us and bringing that understanding to the table can bring great dividends. 

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Crash Course in Parenting Teens

Being the parent of a teen can be a shocking experience. A child can view a parent as “the mostest awesomest” person in the world and quickly change into seeing them as a social liability the next moment. When entering adolescence, teens undergo numerous changes that affect them and the people around them.

For instance, teens will begin to cycle rapidly through moods which may mean moments of joy that suddenly turn to anger. They grow into exploring their identity which may mean they choose activities and appearances that make parents uncomfortable. Teens will also begin to have greater concern for what others think or say about them, which leads to greater influence from peers. Also, teens begin to think abstractly and have capacity for critical analysis which means they can begin to question things (most often that ends up being the parent).

With all these changes parenting can be an overwhelming and scary experience. Some parents may want to react by controlling the situation (a.k.a the dictator parent) which invariably leads to rebellion since teens are looking for increased independence. Other parents allow ultimate freedom in an attempt to be “liked” by the teen (a.k.a. the permissive/doormat parent). Unfortunately this results in a lack of self-control and self-discipline. The better choice is being an active parent which means giving freedom within limits. This fits with teens striving for independence and autonomy while also helping you guide them towards responsibility, self-esteem, and courage.

How about this question; can you control your teen?

The unpopular but gripping truth is that you can’t really make your teen do anything. Instead of demanding control, it is far more effective to influence your teen. The pathway towards influence is as follows:

1. Use choices instead of demands. Give teens freedom to choose within set limits. This fosters a sense of independence and responsibility in a teen removing the drive for them to rebel for power.  
2. Encourage them and build on their strengths. This increases their self-confidence. Also, it builds mutual respect between parent and teen. Value them by stimulating independence (giving them responsibility over new tasks) and increase their confidence by asking for their opinion (this shows that you value what they have to say).
3. Use consequences instead of punishment. Some types of non-physical punishment may be effective for younger children but in adolescence it usually leads to further rebellion. Use the natural consequences of a teen’s behavior (a consequence that occurs without parental action). You can also set up logical consequences which may be strongly connected to the problem. For example two of your teens are fighting to watch TV. Unless they stop fighting they don’t get TV. It is their choice whether they want to watch TV or continue fighting without it. Ultimately parents must also work with a teen to solve problems together.

In a way, parents are not solely in the “problem prevention” business. It is far more important to nurture new responsibility in teens and be present to pick them up when they fall. How parents do this will greatly affect their teen’s future. The best path lies in actively working with and respecting our teens through limits, freedom, and influence.  

References

Popkin, M. H. (1998). Active Parenting of Teens. Atlanta, GA: Active Parenting Publishers.

Visit our website: http://iccwhittier.org

What Should I Do with My In-Laws?

“The holidays are coming. We’ll have a great time with the children – but oh, no! What will we do with the in-laws?”

Our western culture celebrates privacy and independence. Life is usually so busy that we struggle to find time to spend with our children and spouses, leaving even less time for social interactions. This demanding lifestyle often tends to exclude our parents, making them feel forgotten and unloved. The transition from holding a primary role to a secondary role in their children’s lives can be difficult and uncomfortable. Single in-laws may find this separation from their children even more challenging. Therefore, whether consciously or subconsciously, parents may start interfering to claim back their primary roles.

The effects of parental interference may sneak up on a couple. Minor instances of criticism or unsolicited advice may go unnoticed at the beginning of a visit, but gradually take their toll to the point at which the couple may find themselves arguing or fighting over petty issues. In-laws are famous for providing instructions on parenting and marital relationships, cooking different foods and even to trying to manage the house. Instead of a season for gathering and enjoyment of each other’s company, the holidays turn into a stressful time with couples hiding to avoid their in-laws’ negative comments.

So what are the solutions? Following are three groups of tips helpful for not only stopping unwanted behavior, but for building positive, healthy relationships.

Before the Holidays

Although they may hold secondary roles in our lives, we should assure our in-laws that not only are they not forgotten or left out, but that they are very important to us. This does not mean we are required to meet with them on a weekly basis just before the holidays. But calling occasionally to ask about their days or health are thoughtful gestures demonstrating our care and kindness. Remembering their birthdays, anniversaries and sending them flowers occasionally goes a long way. “Like”-ing  or commenting on their Facebook photos gives them a lift. Hearing their needs and accommodating some of them by changing minor things in the relationship might be worth the trouble to avoid bigger struggles and fights in the future. For example, meeting them for Christmas and making other plans for Thanksgiving is a good compromise. 

During the Holidays

Spending alone time with in-laws and sharing personal challenges tends to make them feel important and connected, allowing them the opportunity to share their wisdom. Asking for their holiday likes and dislikes and then implementing some of them makes them feel welcomed. Getting them involved in activities will make them feel useful as well as lightening some of our own burden. “Lose the battle, win the war”[1]. Giving up a few details to keep in-laws happy is worth it to avoid more important potential conflicts.

Unfortunately, these actions don’t always stop interference, and can even backfire, inviting further intrusion into the couples’ life. If this is the case, waiting to resolve the tension until after the holidays is advised. Holiday stress and demands preclude a successful resolution.

After the Holidays

To improve interactions with our in-laws, we need to acknowledge that every relationship requires two persons’ efforts, therefore possibly requiring some change on our own part. Although difficult to accept, this fact is nonetheless critical. Learning mediation skills, changing perspectives and studying communication skills are beneficial. For example, breathing exercises help with relaxation. Seeing issues from our in-laws’ points of view awakens our empathy. Using kind words and showing admiration improves our communication skills.

However, our unique relationship with our in-laws cannot be ignored by our spouse. Our in-laws’ own child is also part of the change and is responsible for negotiating healthy boundaries. Spouses should be in agreement over the boundaries set, and if they are violated, the in-laws’ child is accountable to resolve the conflict. Parents more easily hear concerns from their own children than from their children’s spouses. However, often adult children learned  to submit to their parents years ago. In her book Toxic In-Laws[2], Susan Forward notes that we need to teach ourselves how to encourage, empower and strengthen our spouses for such conversations with their families. We are not to punish them, but speak of our struggles in a way that inspires a successful resolution.

Although the above tips are valuable for numerous in-law challenges, more complicated situations may call for professional help.

Author Ashkan  Amlashi is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center. 

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[1] Paraphrased, The Art of War by Sun Tzu

[2] Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

Please Tell Me It's Okay To Make A Mistake

Yes, you read it right. Although such a request is seldom made, receiving permission to make a mistake is essential and constructive. The world of today doesn’t always love, accept or admire us if we aren’t highly skilled overachievers. Examples of such cultural trajectories are academic grading scales, school talent shows, college acceptance qualifications, promotion requirements and long lists of conditions for marriage candidacy. Even family members and friends find themselves counting and comparing the number of trophies each has displayed on their shelves or the kitchen fridge. We interpret that we need to be great to be loved through both verbal and non-verbal communication. How many of us heard as children that our high grades in math or comprehension would earn us a trip to Disneyland or our favorite restaurant? Or did we receive a bonus in our allowance after learning a new skill?

The importance of unconditional love seems to be fading from our culture. But once we realize it is okay to fail occasionally, much of our anxiety and stress will be cut from its roots. We will no longer set perfectionist standards high enough to elicit stress over our potential failure. Further, we are often deprived of love and attention due to our weaknesses and limitations. We can become more secure and confident if the love we receive no longer depends on our accomplishments. Knowing that making mistakes is acceptable drives us to compete less and blossom as individuals. Space is created for our unique characteristics to flourish. We are free to explore our interests without living up to unrealistic standards of success and the expected achievements set by cultural norms.

Not only do we personally need to receive grace for our mistakes, but so do the others in our lives: our children, spouse and friends. They will benefit similarly from the discussion above. Those around us are also caught in the cultural demands for perfection. Although we have advanced in many areas of science, Mark Williams and Danny Penman remind us in their book, Mindfulness[1], that according to the World Health Organization, depression will impose the second biggest health burden globally by 2020. They also note that anxiety in children and young people are now at a point that would have been judged to be “clinical” in the 1950s.

Try to remember the best teacher you ever had. Why was she your favorite teacher? She likely accepted, loved, and admired you as opposed to being the most knowledgeable and accomplished of all your teachers, demonstrating our longing for these values over the pride of achievement. Being perfect does not improve our mental health, but knowing that we can be accepted and loved no matter what will change our lives forever. Do you find yourself arguing over the points of this article? Do you wish to edit this article to make it perfect? If you do, you are among many who have been affected by the cultural trajectory. Through practice and time, we can let go and allow ourselves small mistakes. The goal is not to build a success resume, but to foster a healthy, happy and peaceful self.

Author Ashkan  Amlashi is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center.

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[1] Mindfuless: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World, by Mark Williams and Danny Penman

Overdependence On Electronic Devices: Tips for Parenting

The sight of smartphones, tablets and other electronic devices peppered among the public is not uncommon today. Over time, experts have discussed how parents should exert control over their children’s use of these devices. However, as electronic devices progressively support non-entertainment functions, setting clear boundaries to prevent overuse becomes more and more difficult. Moreover, noting that we adults are clearly obsessed with our own gadgets, how can we ask our children to change their behavior? We need to realize that overusing electronic devices may have significant effects on brain development, interpersonal relationships and other aspects of our lives. Following are two potential hazards of electronic overdependence and suggestions to help parents build healthier lifestyles for their children.

Brain reaction

Neuroscientists suggest that the prolonged use of digital devices will overactivate a substance in the brain mainly used for processing, which helps us think and react faster. Although this brain activity sounds positive, over-release of the substance can hinder brain development, lesson feelings of contentment and increase apathy toward others. More importantly, children may experience difficulty in expressing their inner feelings, decreasing their abilities to react to and handle stressful situations.

Hyperactivity

Research and studies have been conducted as an attempt to correlate overuse of electronic devices and psychopathology. Although there are no concrete results, we should not underplay the possible significance of the relationship. Because game applications are so attractive and tempting, children find them irresistible, so we can easily imagine why they might lose interest in other activities. They become restless and impatient when asked to do other things, eager to go back to play their devices. Their focus at school and attention to the family are also likely to decrease.

What can I do to help my children...

Preventive measures are always necessary to help your children develop balanced habits. First and foremost, minimize your own use of electronic devices in front of your children. This positive modeling will help your children learn better and faster. Second, set a fixed time for use of electronic devices for both you and your children. But don’t just set a time limit. Establish rules to restrict use of gadgets during important connection moments, such as meal time, after-meal family time and game time. This planning teaches your children that you value your time with them and there is no single thing more important than family interactions.

If your children are already dependent on electronic devices, curbing their habit will take longer. For critical cases, consult with a mental health professional to work out a detailed plan to decrease usage. For mild situations, be patient but firm with your children. Stick with the fixed time you set and plan rewards for when they comply. Do not discipline them when they fail to keep to their time. Remember, it takes time to develop a habit; and it also takes time to undo the habit. Your praise and encouragement both helps to reduce the undesirable habit and build a more positive relationship with your child.  

Author Andy Ying is currently a third year doctoral student at Azusa Pacific University, major in clinical psychology.  He received his B.A in Social work in Hong Kong, China. He also received his first M.A. in Hong Kong major in Family Counseling and Family Education. Later in the U.S., he received his second M.A. in Clinical Psychology in Azusa Pacific University. He is working on his doctoral dissertation about Asian American families who has members with Schizophrenia.

Early Identification: Family Members with Mental Health Problems

A family member’s mental health disorder creates stress for the entire family. Today, it is not uncommon to see Schizophrenia, depression, anxiety and many other mental health problems afflict people's psychological health. Identifying disorders can prove complex, especially when an individual is experiencing a developmental shift. For example, parents may mistake their child’s behavioral change for puberty rather than realizing she has a mental disorder. Elder members of the family may seem to change their behavior due to aging.

Following are simple descriptions to help identify early signs of mental conditions. Because these guildelines are only preliminary, do seek help from mental health professionals to confirm the diagnosis.

Significant attitude changes toward people

Mental health problems usually negatively affect social functioning. People caught in the early stages of a mental disorder might face uncertainty, fear, and frustration. For example, Schizophrenics or psychotics are likely to experience hallucinations, often hearing voices or seeing images not heard or seen by others. Such hallucinations trigger suspicion of other people and the fear of being harmed, leading them to isolate themselves. They may lock themselves in their rooms or show unusual hostility because of this fear of harm, to the great frustration of their family members. Their seclusion is not restricted to family. Pulling back from friends, coworkers, teachers and others is further proof of social isolation. Pay close attention to whether your loved one suddenly becomes remote or even fearful of others.

Increase in bizarre behaviors and reports of hallucinations

Bizarre behaviors are also indicators of mental health problems. Most prominent clues manifest in speech and appearance. Notice whether your family member suddenly seems to be speaking strangely, perhaps using a made-up language, which is an indication of Schizophrenia. Observe whether he becomes disoriented, losing track of time or place. Does he report hearing voices or seeing things that do not exist? These are signs of hallucinations. Make further investigations.

Look for a drastic change in personal hygiene. Has she become seriously unkempt or kept her room filthy when she never did before? Remember, long-term messy habits are not revealing. Abrupt changes are the key indicators.

What can I do...

Numerous resources for mental health assessment, diagnosis and treatment exist in the community. Mental health professionals such as psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and family marital therapists are all able to identify potential mental health problems. If you observe any of the symptoms discussed above, do not panic. Remaining calm and supportive of your family member is essential and likely to improve his condition. Encourage him to receive an assessment from a psychiatrist and escort him to the appointment. With medication and continued care, many mental disorder sufferers are able to resume most of their functioning, so receiving early care is invaluable.

Author Andy Ying is currently a third year doctoral student at Azusa Pacific University, major in clinical psychology.  He received his B.A in Social work in Hong Kong, China. He also received his first M.A. in Hong Kong major in Family Counseling and Family Education. Later in the U.S., he received his second M.A. in Clinical Psychology in Azusa Pacific University. He is working on his doctoral dissertation about Asian American families who has members with Schizophrenia.

Parenting Woes at Misbehaving Child

However desirable, a list of indisputable to-dos do not come with the birth of your child. Not only are you as a parent, responsible for the physical survival of the infant, but you must raise your child within societal standards. Remembering that parenting is a gift can be difficult as you experience the frustration and exhaustion triggered by your child’s misbehavior. However, bear in mind that family is often the first place a child experiences love and relationship, and her initial experiences pave the way for future experiences.

Psychological theorist Dr. Donald Winnicott focuses upon the idea of a true vs. false self. The true self is at the core of each person and what makes each person an individual, distinguishing him from others. Certainly, if you have multiple children, you can attest to how different each child is. These differences emerge from the true self. In the literature[1], Winnicott describes this concept as a “vital spark”, inherent in each individual, leading him to his life purpose. Take, for example, a seed that is placed in the ground. The seed does not need to be told to grow into a daffodil, but with necessary components (water and sunlight), it matures into a daffodil. A live daffodil seed can’t become anything other than a daffodil. Winnicott believed that instead of water and sunlight, humans need a sufficient “facilitating environment” to mature and develop, known in psychoanalytic language as the “holding environment” that the mother provides for her infant. A child has within herself the capacity for maturity and self-authenticity, so the parent simply needs to provide the adequate environment for this to occur. Establishing rules and maintaining discipline, while perhaps a part of creating a safe holding environment, is not the foundational component to healthy living.

            

A safe holding environment contains the child’s fragmented world experience. The child feels safe and nurtured in this environment because he knows what is acceptable and what is not. Align yourself with your child and attune to his presenting needs, and he will subsequently develop a sense of being known by you, leading to feelings of comfort and security. A child needs to experience his whole, true self as contained in this environment, not just perceived pieces that are acceptable to you as a parent. You need to respect your child’s experience, even if you do not think his reaction fits a circumstance. He will then experience a feeling of respect, even if you do not approve of his behavior. If the child feels wholly accepted, he will not hide parts of himself from you. Providing a space with respect and connectedness prepares the child to expect such values from others in his life.

            

Most significant of Winnicott’s concepts is the idea of the true and false self. Instead of focusing on producing a “good” kid, parents should aspire to raise a “true” kid. This notion may be a fundamental shift in your concept of what it means to be a good parent. Perhaps your definition of success is the launching of a “good”, productive member of society, kind, and successful. But an authentic child is one who is true to herself and becomes who she was created to be. You need to let go of the specific parental dreams you have, and instead, become a student of your child as together, you discover the uniqueness that is innate within her.

            

What does all this mean? What does this look like played out? Below are a few ideas of how to create the “holding environment” for healthy development.

Recommendations[2]

Tolerate your child’s emotions.

Accepting your child’s emotions teaches him to tolerate his own emotional discomfort. Punishing a child’s response will push the child away. Focus on connecting.

Help your child create narratives of her experiences.

Create space to discuss the day and help your child articulate her experiences. Establishing this healthy pattern helps the child learn how to integrate herself into a coherent story of her life.

Continually increase your own self-awareness.

Being aware of yourself helps you to know what is “your stuff” in a particular situation and what the other is bringing into the relationship.

Understanding yourself allows you to choose your behaviors instead of merely reacting.

Model healthy emotions by expressing your own emotions directly and simply.The child learns by example.

Respect your child’s experience.

Although your child’s reaction may not seem to fit the circumstance, respect his response and experience of the situation. Respecting isn’t the same as accepting.

Work towards collaborative responses.

Focus on the process of connection instead of just the content of the communication; learn to observe your child’s non-verbal and verbal communication.

Reflect with a child on his emotional experience after an altercation.

This practice aims to realign you with your child so you both feel understood and connected. Space is provided for each of you to regain your dignity and feel better about yourselves.

Reconnect with your child after separation to ease any feelings of isolation or being misunderstood. 

Disconnection can deregulate and disorient your child.

Be kind and empathetic regarding your own emotions towards your child, and take responsibility for your actions. No parent behaves perfectly every time.

Your own guilt increases the distance between you and your child and can hinder you in restoring the relationship. Anger towards your own responses to your child can also hamper your ability to reflect your child’s experience.

Instead of fixing, try joining.

Joining means coming alongside your child instead of establishing yourself over him. As you attune and attempt to understand your child, he will gain more strength and self-sufficiency. He will learn to explore himself instead of repeatedly responding to your demands.

Learn to laugh. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

Disruptions in relationships will occur, and getting caught up in mistakes lessons our chance to connect with the other.

Be a student of your child. Don’t assume you understand where she’s coming from.

The child will feel the freedom to share her experiences rather than merely telling you want you want to hear.

Parents’ natural inclinations may be to follow behaviors demonstrated by their own parents, built on generation upon generation of similar patterns of rules and punishment. But do consider the deep connection you can achieve by allowing your child’s true self to take shape while providing a safe and secure environment. And enjoy the distinctive person your child becomes.

Author Elizabeth St. Clair is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center.

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[1] The Child, the Family, and the Outside World, By Donald Woods Winnicott

[2] Recommendations adapted from, Parenting From the Inside Out, By Daniel Siegel M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed.

Facing Social Anxiety - And Winning

Increased heart rate. Profuse sweating. Difficulty breathing! Symptoms suitable for the emergency room. But what may not be apparent to many is that these are all physical manifestations of social anxiety, or the “. . . persistent fear of social situations where the individual fears that he will act in a way that will be embarrassing and humiliating”, as defined by one of ICC’s therapists who served a client exhibiting this condition.

Fred came to Intercommunity Counseling Center as a young adult with an extreme fear of interacting with people. The strong emotion led him to avoid what many consider the highlights of life, including meeting new people, interpersonal communication and any kind of attention. This behavior interfered with his job, social activities and relationships, leading to a profound sense of isolation.

Like numerous others who face social anxiety, Fred experienced the scary symptoms listed above, plus other physical indicators like dry mouth, tensing of muscles and the tendency to blush, in social situations. His ICC counselor notes “The recognition of these symptoms leads to a vicious cycle, where their presence exacerbates the individual’s embarrassment and thus worsens their anxiety and fear. Experiencing this intense reaction is uncomfortable and distressing; thus, in an attempt to prevent the discomfort, many individuals begin avoiding social interactions and isolate themselves.”

Considering that social anxiety is impelled by negative thoughts, our therapist chose to use the cognitive behavioral model, created by Aaron Beck back in the 1960s. “I work from a cognitive behavioral model, meaning I address both maladaptive thoughts and maladaptive behaviors that contribute to the persistence of anxiety symptoms.”

The cognitive component of this approach focuses on how the client perceives troubling situations. Together, therapist and individual specify problems, then identify thoughts and behaviors that accompany these challenges. “These thoughts may revolve around believing that everyone is paying attention to the individual, catastrophizing future events, or the belief that the individual knows what others are thinking of him. I helped Fred find evidence that supported and contradicted each of his fears and negative thoughts, something that is new to individuals as we usually tend to find only evidence that supports our beliefs.”

The behavioral component centers on changing responses to emotional triggers. Unfortunately for the client, the most effective progress is achieved through confronting fears. For Fred, “some sessions were extremely difficult for him to get through, causing him intense emotional reactions and fear responses. These sessions usually involved role-playing through various social situations, imaginative simulation of distressing events such as job interviews, and homework assignments that involved social tasks such as simply saying ‘hello’ to a stranger.”

Long-term coping strategies provided to Fred by our therapist included:

• Diaphragmatic breathing: slow breathing technique promoting relaxation
• Progessive muscle relaxation: diversion practice focusing on muscle groups and away from current threat
• Thought stopping: interruption method banishing negative beliefs 

In as few as twenty sessions, Fred’s life dramatically improved as he reconnected with old friends, started attending social events, made new friends and even landed a job. “Throughout the entire process, Fred was able to enthusiastically share how he was able to utilize several of the techniques he learned in session during all of these social situations . . . when faced with a crowd of people, Fred said he was able to refocus his attention on something other than his anxiety and search for evidence that contradicted his negative thoughts. Overall, Fred was more than happy with the different skills he learned in therapy that helped him manage and control his anxiety.”

The online Social Anxiety Fact Sheet declares the disorder to be the third largest mental health care problem in the world. At some point in their lives, thirteen percent of the population stand the chance to develop social anxiety. But cognitive behavioral therapy is reported to be widely successful. President of the Social Anxiety Association, Thomas A. Richards, Ph.D, notes “Twenty years of experience points to the fact that people who have lived with this condition and overcome it, make the best group leaders.”

Because cognitive behavioral therapy is shown to be effective for so many psychological ailments, Intercommunity Counseling Center promotes and supports its practice by its numerous, talented therapists. 

Living Well in Sobriety

Life after sobriety should be carefree. A fresh start, clean slate and new adventures must lie ahead. While that sentiment is certainly a positive by-product of sobriety, most individuals find they face challenges and struggles to work on long after taking their last drink or hit. “The fear of being vulnerable that newcomers experience in the early stages of sobriety is so intense that some can’t get past it”, states George Joseph, a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor and CEO of The Right Step rehabilitation center.

Thirty-eight-year-old Lily had been less than three years’ sober when she sought support with one of Intercommunity Counseling Center’s compassionate therapists. She did have two major advantages: a stable living situation and a good job. Our counselor soon learned that Lily did not have any real “diagnosis”: no clinical depression, anxiety or personality disorder. What she did have was a heart-wrenching history consisting of alcoholism, homelessness, beatings, incarceration, hospitalization and institutionalization. She clearly needed skills to help her cope as a sober person, as well as a way to deal with her past. “If I could look back and try to recall my impression of this woman in her late thirties, I would somehow compare her to a burn victim who had just walked out of the ashes of her life.”

Vestiges arising from her painful existence unfolded as misguided choices she made concerning relationships, especially apparent in picking men who devalued her. Making unwise choices can be typical for those new to sobriety. Our ICC therapist also realized that Lily experienced role confusion due to early detachment from her mother, revealed in her tendency to display different aspects of herself, almost as separate personalities. “The angry, tough Lily; a sweet, humble girl; the determined student that vowed to never fail again; the forgiving Christian; and even the competent professional, showed herself in the counseling room.”

Although looking at the past is valuable, effective treatment includes techniques to move forward. “Of course, a therapist must help search in the ashes to try to unveil what caused the fire in an area of one’s life. Was it the abuse of her mother, the physical, emotional or sexual abuse of the men she pursued for love, or was it her insatiable appetite for affirmation?” Whatever is ultimately to blame, the aftermath tends to be distorted thinking that leads to unhealthy behavior.

Using cognitive therapy, our counselor uncovered her false beliefs, one by one, and challenged what was true and what was a lie. The cognitive approach developed in the 1960s by Aaron Beck involves “identifying distorted thinking, modifying beliefs, relating to others in different ways, and changing behaviors”, according to the Beck Institute website. Lily’s ability to discuss her history allowed her to recall the messages and labels she received in the past, and then eliminate them.

Our therapist also taught Lily keys to living a healthy, sober life. For a person early in sobriety, there are behaviors and circumstances to avoid:

• letting guard down after goals seem to be completed
• isolation
• compromising situations
• triggers
• associating with former drinking buddies
• and, especially for Lily:
• calling former partners from bad relationships 

Carole Bennett, M.A. and author of Reclaim Your Life - You and the Alcoholic / Addict states that the newly sober individual needs to live and obtain:

a “total clean and sober existence”

“therapy to help a loved one in recovery deal with some deep-seeded, personal and emotional conflicts that may be stuffed somewhere deep down inside”

“a daily work schedule that was specific and regimented” for consistency and accountability

“Living life on life's terms . . . brace themselves to these new bumps in the road”

Through six years of therapy and counting, Lily has met and conquered all four challenges. She has just completed one round of schooling and seeks additional education to further her career. Being driven in everything she does, she works long hours and feels the pressure to succeed. But this drive has served her, and she has improved impressively in the past years. She even works with other women who need support. “Lily’s past failures have facilitated her ability to be a wealth of insight and experience that is impacting other women in recovery”, notes her therapist.

Counselors like these, willing to partner with a client through the duration, are typical of the Intercommunity Counseling Center team. Our confidence in our staff leads to creative solutions that often incorporate several modes of assistance. Although cognitive therapy and a good, listening ear were the primary techniques applied to Lily, her spirituality was also supported throughout the course of therapy. “I know if I were to ask Lily ‘What was the major key to your success?’, she would say holding onto her faith in the God who created her for more. He told her how valuable she is and how much she is loved. He brought her out of the ruins and gave her hope for a better future. She would say that He took the ashes of her life and made something beautiful out of it.”

Living with Grief

Taking time for grief. In this demanding world, many of us don’t honor ourselves when the time has come to slow down, look inward, and perceive life beyond everyday details. Although a normal part of life, grief affects us in ways we aren’t always aware of, especially when unexpressed or unprocessed. One of our therapists at Intercommunity Counseling Center notes “In life, each of us go through seasons when difficult circumstances may become more of our normative experience for a time. During these times, it can be very helpful to have someone else, often a therapist, walk through the experience with you and assist you in gaining clarity and direction for what is most important to you.”

This therapist provided short-term therapy to 48-year-old Rebecca. Married with three children, three grandchildren and a mother with advanced dementia, Rebecca had little time to think about or deal with the death of her father. Her care for her mother was full-time, leaving her with about a 20-minute window per day to run errands. Being extremely conscientious, Rebecca wanted to honor her father by giving her mother the highest-quality, loving care.

“Rebecca came into Intercommunity Counseling Center and asked to work with a therapist in processing her grief over the loss of her father. Rebecca had realized that even though he passed away six months ago, she had been so busy with caring for her mother that she had not processed her grief which was now beginning to feel overwhelming.”

Typical symptoms of grief include low energy, burn-out, difficulty concentrating, difficulty accomplishing daily tasks, sadness and crying multiple times per day. Rebecca experienced all of these at the point she started therapy, but because of a lack of familial support, also felt deeply lonely and isolated. Her adult children were not helping her, and she received no assistance from her siblings with her mother. Still, her profound sense of commitment and love kept her going.

Our ICC counselor selected both cognitive and solution-focused therapies to combine psychological and behavioral treatments for a powerful, yet short-term course of therapy for Rebecca. The realization that perceptions and thoughts contribute to individuals’ emotions and behaviors is behind the cognitive model. This treatment was developed by Aaron Beck in the 1960s. Solution-focused therapy, created by Insoo Kim Berg and Steve de Shazer in the late 1970s, is based on discovering, then using methods that have worked for individuals in their pasts.

Through cognitive therapy, clients first identify distorted beliefs, then modify them, with the help of their counselors, who in turn, teach them to practice this process themselves. “We examined thoughts that kept her feeling trapped in her role as caregiver. For example: I am not honoring my parents if I ask others for help in their care. We also utilized exception finding to see how the black-and-white thinking was not always true nor beneficial.” Further, sharing her own experience of losing her father helped her recall what she appreciated and missed about him, as well as facing the weaker aspects of their relationship. Her self worth was restored when she started recognizing her own strengths.

Next, to devise active steps, our therapist and client partnered in the practice of solution-focused therapy. The model stresses what can be done now, and not the problems that necessitated the therapy. To achieve specific goals, build on the individual’s strengths, discover what has worked for her in the past, and determine how she can incorporate these actions in daily life. Our ICC therapist comments “In these times, it is important to remember your own strengths and actions you have previously used to help you achieve goals you’ve longed for.”

Specific tools of the treatment encompass a series of queries (paraphrased from the Solution-Focused Therapy website):

• Identifying client’s previous solutions to be applied to present challenges
• Finding similar occasions from the past when outcomes were positive
• Asking questions to focus on present or future actions leading to success
• Paying compliments to reinforce how client’s methods are working
• Encouraging client to do more of what has been effective
• Asking scaling questions (rating her own progress, etc., from 0 to 10)
• Asking coping questions to reinforce measures she has taken to persevere 

“As Rebecca began to feel more able to contribute and navigate within her environment, she recognized that previously, she had several sources of support which she utilized to bring in healthy life patterns.”

Within just two months of therapy, Rebecca amazingly accomplished several goals:

Recalled her background in faith and began attending church services

Gained support from others in her community with the side benefit of getting help with her mother

Spent more time with friends and loved ones

Shifted to self-care (instead of constantly caring for others). Components included:

• Time/space to grieve and rest
• Exercise
• Proper nutrition 

Rebecca’s time at ICC also served as an education. She was able to observe grief responses in her family members and then help them build healthy habits. When the support eventually became mutual, her feelings of isolation subsided. What a positive outgrowth of receiving therapy: client becomes benefactor!

Our ICC therapist remarks, “As a normal part of life experience, grief or loss is a familiar experience for all of us. At times, continuing to live our ‘normal’ daily life rhythm can be very challenging after the passing of a loved one. Therapy is a beneficial place to process your experience in a safe space.” Intercommunity Counseling Center is honored to provide that refuge for our clients.

Superheroes Aid Angry Boys

Superheroes have problems, too. Did you know the Incredible Hulk suffered physical abuse at the hands of his father? The beloved anime character Naruto was orphaned and shunned by his village. And Spiderman’s Uncle Ben was murdered by a thug. The natural feelings of anger welling up in all these characters ultimately resulted in their determination to, if not seek revenge, sublimate their feelings to the fight for good.

All children experience anger, and they should be encouraged to allow themselves these feelings. But when their emotions consistently emerge in extreme, disruptive and inappropriate behavior, we must teach them how to manage the feelings. Insisting her child stop having angry feelings , then yelling or punishing him when he expresses the emotion, is the most damaging measure a parent can take.  Anger

“. . . can be triggered by embarrassment, loneliness, isolation, anxiety, and hurt.” says Richard Niolon, PhD, Professor at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology and writer of PsychPage.

However, children displaying consistent, extreme anger problems that affect their everyday lives may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Youths challenged with this condition exhibit ongoing defiant behavior towards teachers, parents and other authority figures. More than likely, these children have experienced some sort of trauma, neglect or sense of powerlessness.

One of our therapists at Intercommunity Counseling Center took on a group of eight-year-old boys who had been acting out in home and school, and elected to use the idea of superheroes to progressively tackle their anger issues. Dr. Lawrence Rubin, PhD, wrote the book Using Superheroes in Counseling and Play Therapy, which describes creative methods to help children devise their own coping strategies after identifying with a favorite superhero. Like many angry children, most superheroes have a backstory. If a child discovers common ground with a particular character, he can learn how that hero resolved his own difficult history, then mimic the positive behaviors. They get to enjoy this process through drawings and creative imagery.

The Superheroes To the Rescue group formed by our counselor comprised children who consistently talked out of turn, yelled, fought, threw tantrums, broke the rules and generally had low impulse control. Learning their own triggers for anger was the first step, and sprang from a guided visualization: pretend you are stuck in Spiderman’s web, then identify what “bugs” you.

Next, the counselor helped the children to discern differences between appropriate and inappropriate responses to anger. In the moment, effective actions include taking a deep breath, taking a break, deciding what to do next, talking to someone or getting help.

Finally, the ICC therapist facilitated the boys in the creation of their own long-term coping strategies and cool-down techniques. They employed deep breathing, stress balls, hitting a pillow or other soft item, and talking to friends and parents.

“One hero that all kids were able to identify with was Superman, so we used his ‘super cool breath’ to demonstrate deep breathing as a calming technique. We also focused heavily on the Hulk and how to use ‘super strength’ for good rather than harm. We shared the Hulk's story of how he used his strength for bad to harm innocent people, break things, aggress toward others when he got angry and that it's normal because when we are mad, we tend to say and do hurtful things. But later he learned to channel that energy for good to save people's lives and learned to express his anger only for saving other people.” An offshoot of this study of the Hulk included using Hulk hands to smash away angry thoughts.

Within the group, one boy stood out among the others, both at the beginning and end of the process. This young man was so extreme, that even among the group of children with anger management problems, he became an outsider. At some point, he was eliminated from the group, but later welcomed back. Using the techniques suggested by our ICC therapist, he gradually became a standout in his excellence: he apologized for his behavior, became attentive, generous and encouraging of his peers. The boy has had no reported trouble since leaving the group. Nor have the other members.

Because of Intercommunity Counseling Center’s willingness to empower our therapists with the freedom to use new and inventive methods such as these, clients are more likely to function at an optimum level, affording them the potential for healthy, happy lives.

When Times Are Bad and You're All Alone

In life, each of us go through seasons where difficult circumstances may become more of our normative experience for a time. During these times, it can be very helpful to have someone else, often a therapist, walk through the experience with you and assist you in gaining clarity and direction for what is most important to you. In these times, it is important to remember your own strengths and actions you have previously used to help you achieve goals you’ve longed for. This is a brief story, with names and identifying information changed, of someone who reached out for help during a challenging time.

Rebecca is a 48 year old Latina, who is married, has three adult children and three grandchildren. Rebecca is currently living with her mother, who has advanced dementia. Rebecca is her only caretaker and most days, is only able to leave the house for approximately 20 minutes to pick up her grandchildren from school or to purchase a few groceries. Rebecca’s father passed away approximately 6 months ago and they were very close. Rebecca’s father entrusted her mother’s care to her alone, and while she longs to provide excellent care for her mother, she often feels tired and is beginning to feel burned out. Prior to her father’s passing, Rebecca provided care for her mother and her father for several years. Rebecca has minimal social support from her children and receives no assistance from her siblings in providing care for her mother. Rebecca came into Intercommunity Counseling Center and asked to work with a therapist in processing her grief over the loss of her father. Rebecca had realized that even though he passed away 6 months ago, she had been so busy with caring for her mother that she had not processed her grief which was now beginning to feel overwhelming. Rebecca found herself crying multiple times a day, she experienced low energy levels, had difficulty concentrating and it was becoming harder to accomplish daily tasks.

In working with an ICC therapist, Rebecca was able to share her own experience of losing her father. She gained space to verbalize what she appreciated and missed about her father, and aspects of their relationship that she wished were different. In therapy, Rebecca had space to focus on re-integrating aspects of her life that provided her with strength through difficult seasons, including her faith background. Rebecca began to reach out to others in her community, which decreased her strong sense of isolation. Her community was supportive of her needs and began to volunteer to watch over her mother for one to two mornings a week, so that Rebecca could have time to take care of her own needs and family. Throughout therapy, Rebecca began to realize the importance of allowing herself the space to grieve and rest. Prior to therapy, Rebecca primarily focused on caring for everyone besides herself. While this came with many short term benefits to her family, Rebecca was living in isolation, loneliness, sadness, despair and often felt overwhelmed.

In working with the therapist, Rebecca was able to recognize her strengths and deep commitment to her family while also holding her need to care for herself through proper rest, exercise, nutrition and social support. Through processing her experience of grief and her corresponding feelings, Rebecca was able to recognize grief responses within her family and encourage her family members to build in healthy habits of caring for themselves and supporting each other in enjoyable and painful seasons of life. As Rebecca began to feel more able to contribute and navigate within her environment, she recognized that previously she had several sources of support which she utilized to bring in healthy life patterns. For Rebecca, these life patterns included attending church services with her faith community, having regular enjoyable time with friends and loved ones, and building in time for rest and reflection.

As a normal part of life experience, grief or loss is a familiar experience for all of us. At times, continuing to live our ‘normal’ daily life rhythm can be very challenging after the passing of a loved one. Therapy is a beneficial place to process your experience in a safe space. Remembering and integrating your strengths and beliefs, allows space in developing understanding and meaning in our experience, often leading to new beginnings even within a season of loss. 

Assessment at ICC (Intercommunity Counseling Center)

Have you ever thought to yourself "Why do I always do that" when you're hanging out with friends? Or have had that moment in life where you wonder "why can't I reach my potential, what's holding me back?" Or maybe you're that person that has always struggled in school and you ask yourself "is it just me?"

Assessment helps us answer those difficult and intimidating questions you might have about yourself. Assessment is a process that helps us discover together how you think and understand the world. You get the opportunity to get to know yourself in a way you never have before. You might be a man in his 60s wanting to understand why you feel sad and can't seem to find joy in life. You might be a young student that has always struggled in school and you're frustrated because you don't know how to get your grades up. No matter what you’re struggling with, assessment is a GREAT place to start. We can explore how your “clock ticks” and then decide what the next steps are to help you experience healing and support to live your life to the fullest. That way you can be all that you want to be!

Treating Adjustment Disorder

General consensus is, our lives comprise three core spheres: relationships, work and health. If any one of these key aspects is changing or failing, we are on alert. But if two or more of them are in transition, we may have trouble coping.

Take, for example, a young man who changes his job and living situation in a short span of time. The job is really a career move with a new environment, new protocol, etc. His home is in a different city, away from the friendly neighbors he used to spend time with. Since he had stopped using substances some time before this, the coping mechanisms he once used are no longer available. He finds himself experiencing increasing anxiety to the point at which he decides to seek help.

The therapist may diagnose this man’s condition as adjustment disorder. Tending to be short-term, this state is characterized by finite periods of depression and/or anxiety brought on by major life changes or loss. Once an individual adapts to his new circumstances, the disorder ends for him.

But in the meantime, the feelings associated with the affliction can be excruciating, leading many to pursue counseling. Symptoms can include (abbreviated from the WebMD website):

• Hopelessness
• Sadness
• Crying
• Anxiety
• Worry
• Headaches or stomachaches
• Palpitations
• Isolation
• Absence from work or school
• Dangerous or destructive behavior
• Changes in appetite
• Insomnia
• Low energy or tiredness
• Substance abuse

A mode of treatment useful for numerous psychological conditions can also be successfully applied to adjustment disorder. That is, cognitive therapy. This model, developed by Aaron Beck in the 1960s, argues that individuals’ own thoughts and perceptions  about events directly affect their emotional responses, as opposed to the actual events. Counselors attempt to discover their clients’ distorted beliefs about themselves or provocative situations, through questioning and teaching them to examine their own thinking.

Because the cycle of therapy for adjustment disorder is relatively short (often from three to six months), and the individual sessions can be as little as 45 minutes, homework is key. Therapists guide clients to track or log negative thoughts, then ask questions for each thought: “Is this true?” “If part of it is true, what isn’t true?” Keeping a schedule to track how one feels at different times is also useful for pinpointing triggers. Finally, the individual is encouraged to devise his own replacement behaviors for less healthy activities. For instance, connecting with loved ones is a good substitute for isolation. Turning to old, favorite hobbies trumps drinking or overeating.

Generally, the scrutiny of one’s beliefs coupled with the new, healthy behaviors will empower an individual, ending the disorder and achieving his adjustment within a few months. If not, perhaps client and therapist need to consider other possible conditions, such as long-term depression or generalized anxiety disorder.

Choosing to Take the Journey

It seems that many of us consider therapy only as a last resort when life comes crashing down around us.  It is a decision made when relationships are disintegrating or the heavy load of life’s journey has become unbearable.  To choose counseling just to improve one’s life is rarely done.  Even as a therapist, I admit my apprehension to wrestle with things in my own life that need to change or delving into my history to examine where I took a wrong turn of sorts.  I suspect that in order to choose to submit oneself to therapy, an individual must acknowledge that their own life is important and that working to improve the quality of their life is a priority.

To dispel some of the fears of being examined, judged or corrected by a therapist, it seems that there are some important things that happen in a counseling room that don’t often happen serendipitously.  The stage is set; all distractions, responsibilities and schedules are set aside for one short hour out of a chaotic demanding week.  It is a time where time stops in order to take time for reflection and honest self examination.  What a luxury and probably a well-deserved reward for working so hard at getting life “right.”

As the therapist and client form a trusting relationship, the client is then able to examine core motivations underlying their choices and behavior.  This is where the work begins as the client continues to be honest with him or herself.  In many cases, it is a time for boundary construction when there has been none.  Things can get very confusing for some because many do not trust their own analysis or perspective of a problem or of another person’s behavior.  Changing the dance in mid-song can be very upsetting for others, so choices need to be made that can impact many relationships.

In the midst of that struggle there are some things that surface.   An individual’s strengths and weaknesses are exposed.  This especially reveals itself in how they loved or how they perceived a current or past event that impacted them.  When a client comes into therapy having experienced trauma or pain in the past, they sometimes realize that it affects the present and their current relationships.  Stepping back and reliving some difficult scenarios can be distressing and yet cathartic as a client works at letting go of the past and moving on in order to enjoy life today.

To complete the work the client has started they must have a vision.  To quote a trainer in a life-changing seminar I attended years ago, “A person must have a vision to pull them through the pain of transformation.”  This gives them a definitive goal and it is measurable.  This also means a lot of work and determination on their part.   It also takes courage for we know that when one person changes in a family system, other members are affected.

Being in counseling is a very important choice.  For many they are saying my life is important and that they no longer want to be a victim to what life is offering.  They are making life happen by being proactive and determining what they want from life.  Through counseling they are taking a very scary leap of faith.  In essence, they believe that through counseling there is a better chance of getting healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.  They begin to discover what has prevented them from having what they wanted in life thus far and can begin to see what needs to be changed.

Dr. David Jeremiah’s book “Slaying the Giants in Your Life,” explores some of the obstacles that people encounter in life.  The giants are fear, discouragement, loneliness, worry guilt, temptation, anger, resentment, doubt, procrastination, failure and jealousy according to Dr. Jeremiah.  Unless these giants cause some great damage to relationships, many get accustomed to living with them.  Many of these giants show up in the therapy room especially at a time of crisis.  According to Dr. Jeremiah, “These giants cast their long shadow over everything we aspire to do, every new land we seek to inhabit, every dream we hope to pursue.”

We only go around once in this life.  Instead of passively retreating from your own personal giant, stand and fight by taking an active approach.  Muster up the courage to explore the depths of who you are and what you want for the rest of your journey.  Counseling can be the perfect setting for such an exploration.

Article by Susan Lawler, Marriage & Family Therapist, Intern

Intercommunity Counseling Center

                

A New Year!

A New Year!

by Lacey Edwards, M.A.

Welcome to 2013! A new opportunity to frame and shape each day, to create new ways of being in your world. Well... you may be thinking... that’s easy for you to say... I’ve tried that before... Yet it is often our perspective in life that influences the outcome before we have even begun. I believe that you want the best for you... for your family... for your community... and even for those you do not know. In order for us to create a better world, we each need to be willing to risk. That may seem scary... or even a bit unknown as to what the future holds, yet putting our best effort into creating positive change is what will bring about the most hopeful situations for our community, for ourselves and for our families. I’m reminded of a quote by Theodor Geisel, also known as Dr. Seuss, who became more well known this year through the movie, The Lorax. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing’s going to get better, it’s not” (Geisel, 1971). I’ll give it a try. Will you?

But risk for what you might ask? That’s up to you! We can dream and plan for what we would most like to see happen in our daily lives, within our family and within our community but before we implement it, it is important to take a few moments to set goals to help us on our path to creating positive change around us. Change takes time and often times, it is a trial and error process where we may not bring about complete change the first time. In order to effect positive change, we need to be willing to get up and try again. Reaching our desired goal is most likely when we take time to review and reflect.

Here are a few simple steps in achieving your desired goal. Valerie Chang recommends creating a SMART Goal, in order to achieve what you desire (Chang, Scott and Decker, 2009).

S: Be Specific

M: Make it Measurable

A: Make sure your goal is Attainable

R: Make your goal Realistic

T: Make your goal Time-Sensitive

When you create a goal that is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-sensitive, it enables you to achieve the goal in a reasonable amount of time which leads to a sense of fulfillment and further desire to create and reach additional goals (Chang, Scott and Decker, 2009). When you set a goal that is not realistic within your current schedule nor realistic in light of your primary responsibilities, you may become discouraged and begin to withdraw from your goal, and you might begin to believe that you are not able to accomplish things that you actually are! (Chang, Scott and Decker, 2009)

No matter what time of year, at Intercommunity Counseling Center we work with you to establish goals and bring about changes you desire in your life. If you are looking to establish healthy patterns of living or simply want to talk with someone about your thoughts, feelings or behaviors, please give us a call. We offer services utilizing a sliding scale fee based upon your income, so that we can support as many people who would like to come. We wish you the best in 2013!

Intercommunity Counseling Center

7702 Washington Avenue, Whittier

(562) 698-1272

References:

Chang, Valerie Nash; Scott, Sheryn T.; Decker, Carol (2009). Developing Helping Skills: A Step-

            by-Step Approach. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Geisel, Theodor Suess (1971). The Lorax. New York: Random House, Inc. 

Training the Counselors of Tomorrow

For more than three decades, ICC has been serving the mental health needs of the greater Whittier community. In addition to meeting this mission, for the past two decades, ICC has been developing the professional counselors of tomorrow through a training program for Masters and Pre-doctoral level students. Beginning in the early 1990’s, ICC (then the Interchurch Counseling Center) invited Marriage and Family Counselor trainees, predominantly being educated at Fuller Theological Seminary.  The unique combination of students who were well trained in providing basic counseling, along with the ability to integrate spiritual concepts, was a good match for ICC and its clients.

Since that time, ICC has gone on to extend this training opportunity to also include students at the pre-doctoral level studying to become psychologists. Drawing predominantly from doctoral programs at Azusa Pacific University, Fuller Theological Seminary-School of Psychology, and Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University, we have continued the trend of providing excellent counseling to clients in need, while also providing close supervision and abundant training to students as they develop in their skill and profession.

Counting our current staff of nine trainees, we have now trained more than 120 professionals at ICC. Although this may not sound like a tremendous number to you, consider that each student therapist has moved on to work with hundreds of clients since leaving ICC. They have staffed community mental health centers, college counseling centers, VA hospitals, Army bases and homeless shelters. They have become excellent supervisors, professors and trainers, now writing letters of recommendation to ICC for their own students. They have gifted us with Christmas cards from Minnesota, emails from North Carolina, wedding announcements from Washington and new baby photos from Texas. Some of our trainees have even returned to their home countries of Germany and Switzerland to continue to practice. For those who stay in touch, they consistently remark on the impact that the training at ICC has had on their professional development. In addition to receiving diverse training and intense supervision, they remember the feeling of family, the kindness of the staff and supportiveness of supervisors.

Overall, ICC has consistently offered a tremendous service in the community by providing affordable, professional counseling to those in need. Likewise, by training the professionals of tomorrow, each and every day, ICC has impacted lives across the country and around the world in the skills and training provided by our clinical training program.

When Prayer Isn’t Enough

This is the story of my journey through the place where faith and psychotherapy co-exist. Throughout most of modern history, the field of psychology has not played nice with the ideas of faith and religion. In the early years of psychology, Sigmund Freud relegated faith to a simple form of neurosis that operated as a form of defense mechanism, which suppresses primitive urges (Rizzuto, 1981). Since then, the American Psychological Association has declared that faith and religion are an important part of understanding an individual’s diversity and ability to cope. In other words, for the first time, psychology and faith are officially not at war. However, that seems to be far from the reality of many churches in our present time.

Several years ago, before I entered the field of psychotherapy, I encountered a personal difficulty that eventually led me to become severely depressed. I found myself sitting at my workstation, staring at the computer screen in a daze for most of the day. I knew things were becoming bad when I would find myself randomly crying while I was driving on the road. On one occasion, I began sobbing so much that I had to pull over to the side of the road until I was calm again. Something was definitely wrong.

I sought the counsel of some church leaders and they gave me scriptural examples and tips on how to get better. I don’t know how many times I heard people tell me that I needed to “Let go and let God.” I am sure they all had good intentions but the problem was that I was not getting better. It seemed like nothing I did was working. It did not matter how much I prayed, how much I read the Bible, or how many church events I went to, I could not get out of my sadness. It was in this valley that I knew exactly what the writer of Psalm 73 meant when he or she wrote, “When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.”

I felt like a failure. Where was my faith?

Fortunately for me, though I had no faith, God was faithful. Through a series of events, I was able to connect with a counselor to begin the hard work of healing. I discovered old wounds that had never healed and family secrets that were long forgotten. It was in this raw and real encounter that I finally understood what the Apostle John meant when he wrote, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” When we expose our pain and our darkness to God and his people, the darkness has no chance.

It was through this experience that I discovered that there are no simple answers to each person’s problems. For some, prayer alone is enough. For others, they need to understand a scriptural truth. For others, it’s community. Some are healed by supernatural miracles, others are healed by the miracle of modern medicine. For me, it was the miracle of psychotherapy. Jesus himself did not have one way of healing those around him. He used touch, revelation, a spoken word, and even… mud. Now, I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting a new age definition of Biblical healing, not at all. What I am suggesting is that Biblical restoration was eclectic but there was always a common denominator, truth and love.

So, are you REALLY saying that sometimes prayer isn’t enough? That is exactly what I am saying because, almost always in scripture, prayer causes some sort of reaction. When we pray for healing and God heals us instantly, then our reaction should be thanksgiving and appreciation. Other times, it may mean confessing our own wrongdoing. Sometimes, it may even mean reacting by seeking help. There will be a time in all our lives, where we will need healing. My hope is that, as children of God, we would not limit the power of God’s healing hand to simple solutions. Rather, we would seek the abundance of opportunities to see God work through all the resources he has provided. Yes, even counseling.

Author Description (If you need one)

Andres Chou is a Doctoral Student in Clinical Psychology at Azusa Pacific University. Currently, he is working as a Psychology Clerk at the University of California, Irvine Medical Center. His passion is integrating faith and counseling to bring restoration to individuals, marriages, and families.

References:

Rizzuto, A. M.  (1981). The birth of the living God.  Chicago:  The University of Chicago Press.

What Does It Mean To Be An Ally?

There are many forms of systemic oppression occurring both in the United States and around the world, where those in the dominant group reap unearned benefits based solely on their pre-disposed genetic identities. It is common for people to feel overwhelmed by it, or feel as if there is nothing they personally could do to stop or prevent this kind of discrimination from happening, however, one way to overcome this feeling of immobilization is to become an ally. Becoming an ally not only benefits those in non-dominant groups, but it also can instill hope and change within oneself. It can provide you with a new sense of being, direction and purpose.

So what is an ally? A common definition of an ally is a member of a dominant group in society (e.g. heterosexuals, men, able-bodied individuals, White Americans, Christians) who make a conscious effort to dismantle any form of oppression for those in the non-dominant group (e.g. homosexuals, those with disabilities, minorities). An important community to serve as an ally for is LGBTQ people. LGBTQ is a commonly used acronym for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and queer or questioning. LGBTQ individuals experience unique life stressors that often result in various forms of physical and psychological distress. Stressors such as internalized homophobia, heterosexism or anti-gay hate crimes can lead to chronic stress and other health disparities for an LGBTQ person. Unlike racial or ethnic minorities who grow up living with family members from their same cultural group, LGBTQ individuals are generally isolated and virtually always in the minority group due to their sexuality.

There has been extensive literature highlighting how LGBTQ individuals experience higher levels of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, low social support, substance abuse and suicidal ideation due to antigay attitudes or behaviors and discriminatory laws against them. Not only are they marginalized by the dominant cultural but also by their friends and family who disagree with their lifestyle. Serving as an ally to combat the oppression these individuals experience through social, political and economic means can often involve taking risks. It means being proactive and intentional and talking to other dominant group members about their behaviors that discriminate against those who are not as privileged as them.

Serving as an ally means fighting for equality and justice for all people. It means giving everyone, regardless of skin color, gender, sexual orientation, disability status or religion, an equal opportunity to obtain a healthy and successful life. It involves serving as role model for others and raising your voice when people are being treated unfairly. Although serving as an ally can be exhausting at times, it is one of the first steps to fighting oppression and making a change for those who do not have the opportunity to do so for themselves. To learn more about how to become an LGBTQ ally, visit www.glaad.org or www.pflag.org.

           

Drea Aoun, M.S.