The Art of Listening

Listening effectively is an art that often goes underappreciated. The benefits of good listening skills affect many walks of life including friendships, romantic relationships, work, and parenting. Whether you’re about to get into an argument or hearing from a distressed friend, listening can effectively help you navigate the situation not only for your benefit but for everyone involved.

But isn’t listening just about hearing the right words???

Actually, listening is a response that involves more than your ability to hear the content sent your way. It involves your whole being and unless you are able to respond in full the sender of the message may not feel heard. The essence of listening is matching/mirroring the speaker as well as understanding the words they are communicating. If you can match your speaker they will feel that you value them, understand them, and value their message. There are a couple basic ways to achieve this:

1. Body Language - What you say in your body language says more than anything you can speak in response. Keeping eye contact sends the message that what they are saying is important. Leaning forward says even more. Avoid looking around or being busy with something else. Using your body, you can show the speaker that you are giving them 100% full attention. Mirror what’s going on in their body. Match their facial expressions (match sad, angry, or happy faces). You can even match their body posture in subtle ways. If they are low you can get low. If they are moving around you can move around with them.
2. Voice tone - If you are upset and someone answers you in a happy/elevated tone how does that make you feel? It feels like the person is missing the place you are in. Another secret to listening is to match the voice tone of the speaker. If they are loud you can get elevated as well. If they are speaking quietly you can do the same. However, be careful as we want to match our speaker but we don’t want to sit where they are forever. For example, if someone is speaking angrily you can match their tone but you don’t want to stay in that place. Instead you can get close to their voice tone but just a little below. What you will find is that gradually the speaker may start matching you as you gradually slow down and quiet your voice. But first the speaker needs to feel that you are matching them before they follow you.
3. Summarize - Repeating back the gist of the information you just heard is a huge step to listening. Occasionally take a moment to repeat back the main points you have heard by using a “sounds like…” and ending with a “did I get that right”. Repeating back what the speaker said indicates that you truly heard the message, that you are paying attention, and that you want them to continue.
4. Reflect feelings - The next step is to repeat back the feeling and experience the speaker may be having. Reflecting that “this must be hard” or “that really upset you” or “sounds like it made you really happy” matches not only the content but the essence of the message given to you. It may be hard to read what is going on with a person, but if you are truly following the steps above it may be easier to reflect the kernel of the speaker’s experience. People speak about a multitude of subjects but ultimately they really may be expressing joy, fear, anger, sadness, and other primary feelings.

Whether a speaker is being friendly to you or angry, using such listening skills can make them feel heard in a way that transcends the surface level. If they truly feel understood and heard by you, then they are more likely to return in kind. We all want people to understand us and bringing that understanding to the table can bring great dividends. 

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Crash Course in Parenting Teens

Being the parent of a teen can be a shocking experience. A child can view a parent as “the mostest awesomest” person in the world and quickly change into seeing them as a social liability the next moment. When entering adolescence, teens undergo numerous changes that affect them and the people around them.

For instance, teens will begin to cycle rapidly through moods which may mean moments of joy that suddenly turn to anger. They grow into exploring their identity which may mean they choose activities and appearances that make parents uncomfortable. Teens will also begin to have greater concern for what others think or say about them, which leads to greater influence from peers. Also, teens begin to think abstractly and have capacity for critical analysis which means they can begin to question things (most often that ends up being the parent).

With all these changes parenting can be an overwhelming and scary experience. Some parents may want to react by controlling the situation (a.k.a the dictator parent) which invariably leads to rebellion since teens are looking for increased independence. Other parents allow ultimate freedom in an attempt to be “liked” by the teen (a.k.a. the permissive/doormat parent). Unfortunately this results in a lack of self-control and self-discipline. The better choice is being an active parent which means giving freedom within limits. This fits with teens striving for independence and autonomy while also helping you guide them towards responsibility, self-esteem, and courage.

How about this question; can you control your teen?

The unpopular but gripping truth is that you can’t really make your teen do anything. Instead of demanding control, it is far more effective to influence your teen. The pathway towards influence is as follows:

1. Use choices instead of demands. Give teens freedom to choose within set limits. This fosters a sense of independence and responsibility in a teen removing the drive for them to rebel for power.  
2. Encourage them and build on their strengths. This increases their self-confidence. Also, it builds mutual respect between parent and teen. Value them by stimulating independence (giving them responsibility over new tasks) and increase their confidence by asking for their opinion (this shows that you value what they have to say).
3. Use consequences instead of punishment. Some types of non-physical punishment may be effective for younger children but in adolescence it usually leads to further rebellion. Use the natural consequences of a teen’s behavior (a consequence that occurs without parental action). You can also set up logical consequences which may be strongly connected to the problem. For example two of your teens are fighting to watch TV. Unless they stop fighting they don’t get TV. It is their choice whether they want to watch TV or continue fighting without it. Ultimately parents must also work with a teen to solve problems together.

In a way, parents are not solely in the “problem prevention” business. It is far more important to nurture new responsibility in teens and be present to pick them up when they fall. How parents do this will greatly affect their teen’s future. The best path lies in actively working with and respecting our teens through limits, freedom, and influence.  

References

Popkin, M. H. (1998). Active Parenting of Teens. Atlanta, GA: Active Parenting Publishers.

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What Should I Do with My In-Laws?

“The holidays are coming. We’ll have a great time with the children – but oh, no! What will we do with the in-laws?”

Our western culture celebrates privacy and independence. Life is usually so busy that we struggle to find time to spend with our children and spouses, leaving even less time for social interactions. This demanding lifestyle often tends to exclude our parents, making them feel forgotten and unloved. The transition from holding a primary role to a secondary role in their children’s lives can be difficult and uncomfortable. Single in-laws may find this separation from their children even more challenging. Therefore, whether consciously or subconsciously, parents may start interfering to claim back their primary roles.

The effects of parental interference may sneak up on a couple. Minor instances of criticism or unsolicited advice may go unnoticed at the beginning of a visit, but gradually take their toll to the point at which the couple may find themselves arguing or fighting over petty issues. In-laws are famous for providing instructions on parenting and marital relationships, cooking different foods and even to trying to manage the house. Instead of a season for gathering and enjoyment of each other’s company, the holidays turn into a stressful time with couples hiding to avoid their in-laws’ negative comments.

So what are the solutions? Following are three groups of tips helpful for not only stopping unwanted behavior, but for building positive, healthy relationships.

Before the Holidays

Although they may hold secondary roles in our lives, we should assure our in-laws that not only are they not forgotten or left out, but that they are very important to us. This does not mean we are required to meet with them on a weekly basis just before the holidays. But calling occasionally to ask about their days or health are thoughtful gestures demonstrating our care and kindness. Remembering their birthdays, anniversaries and sending them flowers occasionally goes a long way. “Like”-ing  or commenting on their Facebook photos gives them a lift. Hearing their needs and accommodating some of them by changing minor things in the relationship might be worth the trouble to avoid bigger struggles and fights in the future. For example, meeting them for Christmas and making other plans for Thanksgiving is a good compromise. 

During the Holidays

Spending alone time with in-laws and sharing personal challenges tends to make them feel important and connected, allowing them the opportunity to share their wisdom. Asking for their holiday likes and dislikes and then implementing some of them makes them feel welcomed. Getting them involved in activities will make them feel useful as well as lightening some of our own burden. “Lose the battle, win the war”[1]. Giving up a few details to keep in-laws happy is worth it to avoid more important potential conflicts.

Unfortunately, these actions don’t always stop interference, and can even backfire, inviting further intrusion into the couples’ life. If this is the case, waiting to resolve the tension until after the holidays is advised. Holiday stress and demands preclude a successful resolution.

After the Holidays

To improve interactions with our in-laws, we need to acknowledge that every relationship requires two persons’ efforts, therefore possibly requiring some change on our own part. Although difficult to accept, this fact is nonetheless critical. Learning mediation skills, changing perspectives and studying communication skills are beneficial. For example, breathing exercises help with relaxation. Seeing issues from our in-laws’ points of view awakens our empathy. Using kind words and showing admiration improves our communication skills.

However, our unique relationship with our in-laws cannot be ignored by our spouse. Our in-laws’ own child is also part of the change and is responsible for negotiating healthy boundaries. Spouses should be in agreement over the boundaries set, and if they are violated, the in-laws’ child is accountable to resolve the conflict. Parents more easily hear concerns from their own children than from their children’s spouses. However, often adult children learned  to submit to their parents years ago. In her book Toxic In-Laws[2], Susan Forward notes that we need to teach ourselves how to encourage, empower and strengthen our spouses for such conversations with their families. We are not to punish them, but speak of our struggles in a way that inspires a successful resolution.

Although the above tips are valuable for numerous in-law challenges, more complicated situations may call for professional help.

Author Ashkan  Amlashi is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center. 

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[1] Paraphrased, The Art of War by Sun Tzu

[2] Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

Please Tell Me It's Okay To Make A Mistake

Yes, you read it right. Although such a request is seldom made, receiving permission to make a mistake is essential and constructive. The world of today doesn’t always love, accept or admire us if we aren’t highly skilled overachievers. Examples of such cultural trajectories are academic grading scales, school talent shows, college acceptance qualifications, promotion requirements and long lists of conditions for marriage candidacy. Even family members and friends find themselves counting and comparing the number of trophies each has displayed on their shelves or the kitchen fridge. We interpret that we need to be great to be loved through both verbal and non-verbal communication. How many of us heard as children that our high grades in math or comprehension would earn us a trip to Disneyland or our favorite restaurant? Or did we receive a bonus in our allowance after learning a new skill?

The importance of unconditional love seems to be fading from our culture. But once we realize it is okay to fail occasionally, much of our anxiety and stress will be cut from its roots. We will no longer set perfectionist standards high enough to elicit stress over our potential failure. Further, we are often deprived of love and attention due to our weaknesses and limitations. We can become more secure and confident if the love we receive no longer depends on our accomplishments. Knowing that making mistakes is acceptable drives us to compete less and blossom as individuals. Space is created for our unique characteristics to flourish. We are free to explore our interests without living up to unrealistic standards of success and the expected achievements set by cultural norms.

Not only do we personally need to receive grace for our mistakes, but so do the others in our lives: our children, spouse and friends. They will benefit similarly from the discussion above. Those around us are also caught in the cultural demands for perfection. Although we have advanced in many areas of science, Mark Williams and Danny Penman remind us in their book, Mindfulness[1], that according to the World Health Organization, depression will impose the second biggest health burden globally by 2020. They also note that anxiety in children and young people are now at a point that would have been judged to be “clinical” in the 1950s.

Try to remember the best teacher you ever had. Why was she your favorite teacher? She likely accepted, loved, and admired you as opposed to being the most knowledgeable and accomplished of all your teachers, demonstrating our longing for these values over the pride of achievement. Being perfect does not improve our mental health, but knowing that we can be accepted and loved no matter what will change our lives forever. Do you find yourself arguing over the points of this article? Do you wish to edit this article to make it perfect? If you do, you are among many who have been affected by the cultural trajectory. Through practice and time, we can let go and allow ourselves small mistakes. The goal is not to build a success resume, but to foster a healthy, happy and peaceful self.

Author Ashkan  Amlashi is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center.

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[1] Mindfuless: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World, by Mark Williams and Danny Penman

Overdependence On Electronic Devices: Tips for Parenting

The sight of smartphones, tablets and other electronic devices peppered among the public is not uncommon today. Over time, experts have discussed how parents should exert control over their children’s use of these devices. However, as electronic devices progressively support non-entertainment functions, setting clear boundaries to prevent overuse becomes more and more difficult. Moreover, noting that we adults are clearly obsessed with our own gadgets, how can we ask our children to change their behavior? We need to realize that overusing electronic devices may have significant effects on brain development, interpersonal relationships and other aspects of our lives. Following are two potential hazards of electronic overdependence and suggestions to help parents build healthier lifestyles for their children.

Brain reaction

Neuroscientists suggest that the prolonged use of digital devices will overactivate a substance in the brain mainly used for processing, which helps us think and react faster. Although this brain activity sounds positive, over-release of the substance can hinder brain development, lesson feelings of contentment and increase apathy toward others. More importantly, children may experience difficulty in expressing their inner feelings, decreasing their abilities to react to and handle stressful situations.

Hyperactivity

Research and studies have been conducted as an attempt to correlate overuse of electronic devices and psychopathology. Although there are no concrete results, we should not underplay the possible significance of the relationship. Because game applications are so attractive and tempting, children find them irresistible, so we can easily imagine why they might lose interest in other activities. They become restless and impatient when asked to do other things, eager to go back to play their devices. Their focus at school and attention to the family are also likely to decrease.

What can I do to help my children...

Preventive measures are always necessary to help your children develop balanced habits. First and foremost, minimize your own use of electronic devices in front of your children. This positive modeling will help your children learn better and faster. Second, set a fixed time for use of electronic devices for both you and your children. But don’t just set a time limit. Establish rules to restrict use of gadgets during important connection moments, such as meal time, after-meal family time and game time. This planning teaches your children that you value your time with them and there is no single thing more important than family interactions.

If your children are already dependent on electronic devices, curbing their habit will take longer. For critical cases, consult with a mental health professional to work out a detailed plan to decrease usage. For mild situations, be patient but firm with your children. Stick with the fixed time you set and plan rewards for when they comply. Do not discipline them when they fail to keep to their time. Remember, it takes time to develop a habit; and it also takes time to undo the habit. Your praise and encouragement both helps to reduce the undesirable habit and build a more positive relationship with your child.  

Author Andy Ying is currently a third year doctoral student at Azusa Pacific University, major in clinical psychology.  He received his B.A in Social work in Hong Kong, China. He also received his first M.A. in Hong Kong major in Family Counseling and Family Education. Later in the U.S., he received his second M.A. in Clinical Psychology in Azusa Pacific University. He is working on his doctoral dissertation about Asian American families who has members with Schizophrenia.

Early Identification: Family Members with Mental Health Problems

A family member’s mental health disorder creates stress for the entire family. Today, it is not uncommon to see Schizophrenia, depression, anxiety and many other mental health problems afflict people's psychological health. Identifying disorders can prove complex, especially when an individual is experiencing a developmental shift. For example, parents may mistake their child’s behavioral change for puberty rather than realizing she has a mental disorder. Elder members of the family may seem to change their behavior due to aging.

Following are simple descriptions to help identify early signs of mental conditions. Because these guildelines are only preliminary, do seek help from mental health professionals to confirm the diagnosis.

Significant attitude changes toward people

Mental health problems usually negatively affect social functioning. People caught in the early stages of a mental disorder might face uncertainty, fear, and frustration. For example, Schizophrenics or psychotics are likely to experience hallucinations, often hearing voices or seeing images not heard or seen by others. Such hallucinations trigger suspicion of other people and the fear of being harmed, leading them to isolate themselves. They may lock themselves in their rooms or show unusual hostility because of this fear of harm, to the great frustration of their family members. Their seclusion is not restricted to family. Pulling back from friends, coworkers, teachers and others is further proof of social isolation. Pay close attention to whether your loved one suddenly becomes remote or even fearful of others.

Increase in bizarre behaviors and reports of hallucinations

Bizarre behaviors are also indicators of mental health problems. Most prominent clues manifest in speech and appearance. Notice whether your family member suddenly seems to be speaking strangely, perhaps using a made-up language, which is an indication of Schizophrenia. Observe whether he becomes disoriented, losing track of time or place. Does he report hearing voices or seeing things that do not exist? These are signs of hallucinations. Make further investigations.

Look for a drastic change in personal hygiene. Has she become seriously unkempt or kept her room filthy when she never did before? Remember, long-term messy habits are not revealing. Abrupt changes are the key indicators.

What can I do...

Numerous resources for mental health assessment, diagnosis and treatment exist in the community. Mental health professionals such as psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and family marital therapists are all able to identify potential mental health problems. If you observe any of the symptoms discussed above, do not panic. Remaining calm and supportive of your family member is essential and likely to improve his condition. Encourage him to receive an assessment from a psychiatrist and escort him to the appointment. With medication and continued care, many mental disorder sufferers are able to resume most of their functioning, so receiving early care is invaluable.

Author Andy Ying is currently a third year doctoral student at Azusa Pacific University, major in clinical psychology.  He received his B.A in Social work in Hong Kong, China. He also received his first M.A. in Hong Kong major in Family Counseling and Family Education. Later in the U.S., he received his second M.A. in Clinical Psychology in Azusa Pacific University. He is working on his doctoral dissertation about Asian American families who has members with Schizophrenia.

Parenting Woes at Misbehaving Child

However desirable, a list of indisputable to-dos do not come with the birth of your child. Not only are you as a parent, responsible for the physical survival of the infant, but you must raise your child within societal standards. Remembering that parenting is a gift can be difficult as you experience the frustration and exhaustion triggered by your child’s misbehavior. However, bear in mind that family is often the first place a child experiences love and relationship, and her initial experiences pave the way for future experiences.

Psychological theorist Dr. Donald Winnicott focuses upon the idea of a true vs. false self. The true self is at the core of each person and what makes each person an individual, distinguishing him from others. Certainly, if you have multiple children, you can attest to how different each child is. These differences emerge from the true self. In the literature[1], Winnicott describes this concept as a “vital spark”, inherent in each individual, leading him to his life purpose. Take, for example, a seed that is placed in the ground. The seed does not need to be told to grow into a daffodil, but with necessary components (water and sunlight), it matures into a daffodil. A live daffodil seed can’t become anything other than a daffodil. Winnicott believed that instead of water and sunlight, humans need a sufficient “facilitating environment” to mature and develop, known in psychoanalytic language as the “holding environment” that the mother provides for her infant. A child has within herself the capacity for maturity and self-authenticity, so the parent simply needs to provide the adequate environment for this to occur. Establishing rules and maintaining discipline, while perhaps a part of creating a safe holding environment, is not the foundational component to healthy living.

            

A safe holding environment contains the child’s fragmented world experience. The child feels safe and nurtured in this environment because he knows what is acceptable and what is not. Align yourself with your child and attune to his presenting needs, and he will subsequently develop a sense of being known by you, leading to feelings of comfort and security. A child needs to experience his whole, true self as contained in this environment, not just perceived pieces that are acceptable to you as a parent. You need to respect your child’s experience, even if you do not think his reaction fits a circumstance. He will then experience a feeling of respect, even if you do not approve of his behavior. If the child feels wholly accepted, he will not hide parts of himself from you. Providing a space with respect and connectedness prepares the child to expect such values from others in his life.

            

Most significant of Winnicott’s concepts is the idea of the true and false self. Instead of focusing on producing a “good” kid, parents should aspire to raise a “true” kid. This notion may be a fundamental shift in your concept of what it means to be a good parent. Perhaps your definition of success is the launching of a “good”, productive member of society, kind, and successful. But an authentic child is one who is true to herself and becomes who she was created to be. You need to let go of the specific parental dreams you have, and instead, become a student of your child as together, you discover the uniqueness that is innate within her.

            

What does all this mean? What does this look like played out? Below are a few ideas of how to create the “holding environment” for healthy development.

Recommendations[2]

Tolerate your child’s emotions.

Accepting your child’s emotions teaches him to tolerate his own emotional discomfort. Punishing a child’s response will push the child away. Focus on connecting.

Help your child create narratives of her experiences.

Create space to discuss the day and help your child articulate her experiences. Establishing this healthy pattern helps the child learn how to integrate herself into a coherent story of her life.

Continually increase your own self-awareness.

Being aware of yourself helps you to know what is “your stuff” in a particular situation and what the other is bringing into the relationship.

Understanding yourself allows you to choose your behaviors instead of merely reacting.

Model healthy emotions by expressing your own emotions directly and simply.The child learns by example.

Respect your child’s experience.

Although your child’s reaction may not seem to fit the circumstance, respect his response and experience of the situation. Respecting isn’t the same as accepting.

Work towards collaborative responses.

Focus on the process of connection instead of just the content of the communication; learn to observe your child’s non-verbal and verbal communication.

Reflect with a child on his emotional experience after an altercation.

This practice aims to realign you with your child so you both feel understood and connected. Space is provided for each of you to regain your dignity and feel better about yourselves.

Reconnect with your child after separation to ease any feelings of isolation or being misunderstood. 

Disconnection can deregulate and disorient your child.

Be kind and empathetic regarding your own emotions towards your child, and take responsibility for your actions. No parent behaves perfectly every time.

Your own guilt increases the distance between you and your child and can hinder you in restoring the relationship. Anger towards your own responses to your child can also hamper your ability to reflect your child’s experience.

Instead of fixing, try joining.

Joining means coming alongside your child instead of establishing yourself over him. As you attune and attempt to understand your child, he will gain more strength and self-sufficiency. He will learn to explore himself instead of repeatedly responding to your demands.

Learn to laugh. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

Disruptions in relationships will occur, and getting caught up in mistakes lessons our chance to connect with the other.

Be a student of your child. Don’t assume you understand where she’s coming from.

The child will feel the freedom to share her experiences rather than merely telling you want you want to hear.

Parents’ natural inclinations may be to follow behaviors demonstrated by their own parents, built on generation upon generation of similar patterns of rules and punishment. But do consider the deep connection you can achieve by allowing your child’s true self to take shape while providing a safe and secure environment. And enjoy the distinctive person your child becomes.

Author Elizabeth St. Clair is a predoctoral therapist at the Intercommunity Counseling Center.

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[1] The Child, the Family, and the Outside World, By Donald Woods Winnicott

[2] Recommendations adapted from, Parenting From the Inside Out, By Daniel Siegel M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed.